1
00:00:17,072 --> 00:00:20,064
APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

2
00:00:20,099 --> 00:00:23,056
Hello, good evening,

3
00:00:23,091 --> 00:00:24,989
and welcome

4
00:00:25,024 --> 00:00:28,532
to a Top Gear Nativity Special.

5
00:00:28,567 --> 00:00:32,005
Tonight, we are the three wise men,

6
00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:35,017
and our challenge is
to get from the East

7
00:00:35,052 --> 00:00:38,057
to the birthplace of the Baby
Jesus here, in Bethlehem.

8
00:00:38,092 --> 00:00:43,028
Yeah, we were told we could make
the journey in any car we chose,

9
00:00:43,063 --> 00:00:45,993
so long as it, A)
cost less than £3,500,

10
00:00:46,028 --> 00:00:49,977
and B) was a two-seater
convertible sports car.

11
00:00:50,012 --> 00:00:53,064
However, before we even set
off, there was a problem.

12
00:00:53,099 --> 00:00:55,981
Because, you see, in
order to go to Bethlehem,

13
00:00:56,016 --> 00:00:59,061
we had to drive through Israel,
and for political reasons

14
00:00:59,096 --> 00:01:04,096
the Israelis aren't very happy about
cars from any of these countries

15
00:01:04,131 --> 00:01:06,977
coming across their border.

16
00:01:07,012 --> 00:01:10,016
So we had to get our
wheels from up here,

17
00:01:10,051 --> 00:01:12,985
in the former Soviet
republic of Georgia,

18
00:01:13,020 --> 00:01:16,076
and ship them to the start point
in a Russian transport plane.

19
00:01:16,111 --> 00:01:21,044
Trouble is, we didn't know
where the start point was.

20
00:01:43,016 --> 00:01:47,981
I've been quite brave with my
choice of car - Fiat Barchetta.

21
00:01:48,016 --> 00:01:53,064
I used to have one of these, but this isn't
just any Barchetta, it's a Riviera special
edition.

22
00:01:53,099 --> 00:01:56,072
Black paint, red quilted
leather, it's beautiful.

23
00:01:56,107 --> 00:01:58,993
You haven't been brave,
you've been stupid.

24
00:01:59,028 --> 00:02:02,064
It's beautiful! It's stupid
,it's a Fiat. Look at that.

25
00:02:02,099 --> 00:02:05,079
I have been a wise man.

26
00:02:05,114 --> 00:02:08,025
I have bought a Mazda MX-5.

27
00:02:08,060 --> 00:02:10,037
Yeah, the boring, obvious choice.

28
00:02:10,072 --> 00:02:13,009
That's why I originally
bought myself one of those.

29
00:02:13,044 --> 00:02:16,969
Yes, because, listen, every
time we do one of these trips,

30
00:02:17,004 --> 00:02:20,542
every time, I get the interesting
car that's in a cloud of steam.

31
00:02:20,577 --> 00:02:24,080
This time, wherever we're going,
this will make it. You know that.

32
00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:34,070
As you'd expect, I've been the
wisest and I've done this properly.

33
00:02:34,105 --> 00:02:39,060
I've combined European stylishness
with legendary German reliability,

34
00:02:39,095 --> 00:02:41,080
in this BMW Z3.

35
00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:45,989
I didn't know...

36
00:02:46,024 --> 00:02:48,053
We're banking, aren't we?

37
00:02:48,088 --> 00:02:54,012
I didn't know you could get
a Z3 for less than L3,500.

38
00:02:54,047 --> 00:02:57,020
You can't. Well, how
much did you pay for it?

39
00:02:57,055 --> 00:02:58,565
I rounded it up.

40
00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:00,041
How...? L3,966.

41
00:03:00,076 --> 00:03:04,004
Well, that's more than the
budget, you've spent too much!

42
00:03:04,039 --> 00:03:05,973
So we're not three wise men -

43
00:03:06,008 --> 00:03:09,092
we're one wise man,
an idiot and a cheat.

44
00:03:10,092 --> 00:03:15,017
'We then started wondering
where we might be going. '

45
00:03:15,052 --> 00:03:20,061
Oman? Is it China? Well, if they
came from the East, Norfolk.

46
00:03:20,096 --> 00:03:24,084
Well, I'm telling you, wherever the
hell that is, it's not Norwich.

47
00:03:26,028 --> 00:03:28,025
'We'd find out soon enough, though,

48
00:03:28,060 --> 00:03:31,096
'because it was time to take
our seats for landing. '

49
00:03:31,131 --> 00:03:34,061
Ah, there we go. Seatbelt fastened.

50
00:03:34,096 --> 00:03:37,033
Throttling back,
approach to something.

51
00:03:37,068 --> 00:03:40,052
ELECTRONIC BUZZING What
the hell are they doing?

52
00:03:42,052 --> 00:03:44,096
Oh, my God! Ahh!

53
00:03:44,131 --> 00:03:47,000
Oh, my God!

54
00:03:49,012 --> 00:03:51,080
Oh, my God! Where the hell is that?

55
00:03:51,115 --> 00:03:53,088
Aaaah...!

56
00:03:55,020 --> 00:03:57,048
Oh, no! Aaah!

57
00:04:00,024 --> 00:04:03,052
Hammond! Put your handbrake on!

58
00:04:03,087 --> 00:04:06,080
If the straps break, I'm... Ah!

59
00:04:07,092 --> 00:04:12,009
A- a-a-ah!

60
00:04:12,044 --> 00:04:13,084
I just saw a runway.

61
00:04:17,076 --> 00:04:21,032
Undercarriage is down.
Here we go, we're landing.

62
00:04:24,016 --> 00:04:27,048
Here we are, levelling off.
Levelling off.

63
00:04:34,052 --> 00:04:36,076
Land it, land it!

64
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:46,028
Please, land! What's he doing?
He's missed the runway.

65
00:04:47,064 --> 00:04:49,068
A- a-a-ah!

66
00:04:51,044 --> 00:04:54,020
A- a-a-ah!

67
00:05:02,036 --> 00:05:05,016
We're coming in again.

68
00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:08,040
Land it this time, sunshine.

69
00:05:16,068 --> 00:05:20,048
PLANE'S TYRES SCREECH
We're down. Whoa!

70
00:05:30,036 --> 00:05:34,020
Well, we're here.
Wherever here is, we've arrived.

71
00:05:35,072 --> 00:05:39,084
'And now we'd find out
exactly where "here" was. '

72
00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:46,080
You can't tell anything by looking out
there. Gentlemen, look who's arrived. We
have the...

73
00:05:48,032 --> 00:05:50,057
What are they?

74
00:05:50,092 --> 00:05:52,048
They are flak jackets.

75
00:05:52,083 --> 00:05:54,096
Wow. Why?

76
00:05:56,088 --> 00:05:59,084
That is real bullet-proof. Kevlar.

77
00:05:59,119 --> 00:06:01,097
Bullet-proof jackets.

78
00:06:01,132 --> 00:06:03,076
What have we got to do?

79
00:06:08,008 --> 00:06:09,033
Oh, God. What?

80
00:06:09,068 --> 00:06:12,064
Go on. You have landed in Iraq.

81
00:06:17,032 --> 00:06:20,000
I've heard of that. Give up.

82
00:06:22,004 --> 00:06:24,021
Bethlehem is 1,200 miles away,

83
00:06:24,056 --> 00:06:27,566
but between here and there
there are a few wars.

84
00:06:27,601 --> 00:06:31,076
Best of luck, and don't
forget to pick up some gold,

85
00:06:31,111 --> 00:06:33,029
frankincense and myrrh on the way.

86
00:06:33,064 --> 00:06:36,068
Yeah, enough of the myrrh
and stuff, but Iraq?

87
00:06:36,103 --> 00:06:38,060
That's Iraq? That is Iraq.

88
00:06:41,036 --> 00:06:44,001
God.

89
00:06:44,036 --> 00:06:46,032
Well, we've got to
get off the plane.

90
00:06:46,067 --> 00:06:48,985
Well, you go first.

91
00:06:49,020 --> 00:06:52,028
I can't go first, can I?
Because you're parked in the way.

92
00:06:52,063 --> 00:06:53,053
Can we get...

93
00:06:53,088 --> 00:06:57,044
We'll all go at the same time.
Yeah, we'll be right behind you.

94
00:06:57,079 --> 00:06:59,040
All just go three,
two, one, go. Go.

95
00:07:03,008 --> 00:07:04,049
Everybody know what we're doing?

96
00:07:04,084 --> 00:07:08,024
We'll go on three, two, one, all
three out, decent speed, yeah?

97
00:07:08,059 --> 00:07:09,561
Yeah.

98
00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:11,064
Yeah. OK.

99
00:07:13,016 --> 00:07:15,092
Is everybody running?

100
00:07:15,127 --> 00:07:17,993
Handbrakes off.

101
00:07:18,028 --> 00:07:21,064
Anybody want to talk about anything?
No, let's just do it, OK,

102
00:07:21,099 --> 00:07:24,091
if we're ready. In...

103
00:07:24,126 --> 00:07:27,084
three, two, one, go!

104
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,000
You bastards!

105
00:07:43,088 --> 00:07:45,056
Did you stall?

106
00:07:45,091 --> 00:07:47,024
Yes, I did.

107
00:07:50,020 --> 00:07:51,092
I'm taking evasive action.

108
00:07:56,072 --> 00:07:59,046
Where are you? "Did you make it?"

109
00:07:59,081 --> 00:08:02,082
I'm alive, I'm
hiding in a big shed.

110
00:08:02,117 --> 00:08:05,084
Right, James, in
three, two, one, go.

111
00:08:05,119 --> 00:08:07,056
Here we go.

112
00:08:19,004 --> 00:08:20,056
Come on!

113
00:08:27,008 --> 00:08:29,542
You BEEP. Where where you?
I'm really sorry, Hammo.

114
00:08:29,577 --> 00:08:32,076
Thanks for leaving me on
my own to draw the fire.

115
00:08:32,111 --> 00:08:34,088
Right.

116
00:08:36,012 --> 00:08:38,049
'Having successfully
covered 300 yards,

117
00:08:38,084 --> 00:08:42,025
'we got the map out so we
could plan our next move. '

118
00:08:42,060 --> 00:08:46,008
According to the sign on the back
of that fire engine over there...

119
00:08:47,012 --> 00:08:49,056
.. we are in Arbil, here.

120
00:08:49,091 --> 00:08:51,061
Bethlehem's there.

121
00:08:51,096 --> 00:08:54,037
So, first thing's
first, you would agree,

122
00:08:54,072 --> 00:08:57,021
we've got to get out of
Iraq as quickly as possible.

123
00:08:57,056 --> 00:09:01,028
Now, the nearest border's Turkey,
but there's no road up there,

124
00:09:01,063 --> 00:09:03,017
so if we go into Iran...

125
00:09:03,052 --> 00:09:07,004
Hang on, Bethlehem's
over here, isn't it?

126
00:09:07,039 --> 00:09:08,005
Yeah. Yeah.

127
00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:09,985
Well, that's the way we want to go.

128
00:09:10,020 --> 00:09:13,033
Yes, through places like
Mosul and Baghdad, perhaps.

129
00:09:13,068 --> 00:09:16,088
Have you ever seen a television
programme called "the news"?

130
00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:18,993
I'm aware of it.

131
00:09:19,028 --> 00:09:22,024
Trust me, Mosul is properly dangerous.
Really bad, is it?

132
00:09:22,059 --> 00:09:25,029
That's as bad as it gets
anywhere in the world right now.

133
00:09:25,064 --> 00:09:28,000
And that's where we are?
That's where it's really bad?

134
00:09:28,035 --> 00:09:30,008
We are less than a
fingers-width away.

135
00:09:31,072 --> 00:09:34,029
So, up there, into Iran,

136
00:09:34,064 --> 00:09:37,092
into Turkey, and then down there

137
00:09:37,127 --> 00:09:39,033
and that way, so we miss...

138
00:09:39,068 --> 00:09:42,096
we can get out of Iraq
and then go round it.

139
00:09:42,131 --> 00:09:44,017
Sounds like a plan.

140
00:09:44,052 --> 00:09:48,036
So the wise men from the
East are setting off east.

141
00:09:48,071 --> 00:09:50,048
East. North-east. Yeah.

142
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:54,017
And so, with a hastily-organised
route mapped out,

143
00:09:54,052 --> 00:10:00,056
we climbed into our cars, which were
not armoured Humvees, and set off.

144
00:10:08,072 --> 00:10:12,004
All those things we hear about
on the news, the mines, the IEDs,

145
00:10:13,020 --> 00:10:15,084
the car bombs, they're
all here somewhere.

146
00:10:15,119 --> 00:10:18,008
How do you know how to spot them?

147
00:10:20,076 --> 00:10:25,004
Can I just say, if I'm kidnapped,
I don't want to hear any of this,

148
00:10:25,039 --> 00:10:28,028
"Well, we don't give in to
kidnap demands". Just pay.

149
00:10:28,063 --> 00:10:31,997
I don't want to be
beheaded on the internet.

150
00:10:32,032 --> 00:10:37,024
I bet Richard Hammond is regretting
buying a pretty little Fiat now.

151
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:43,084
I just realised that being at
the front, I'm the first target.

152
00:10:43,119 --> 00:10:46,021
The clever thing to do
would be in the middle.

153
00:10:46,056 --> 00:10:50,048
'Annoyingly, the other two
had exactly the same idea. '

154
00:10:53,008 --> 00:10:55,020
Oh, no, you don't.

155
00:10:57,048 --> 00:10:58,064
You idiot!

156
00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:01,072
Oh, you cock!

157
00:11:03,028 --> 00:11:05,981
Oh, May!

158
00:11:06,016 --> 00:11:08,080
We were so busy trying
to get in the middle,

159
00:11:08,115 --> 00:11:11,036
we weren't looking
where we were going.

160
00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:14,064
And soon, we were lost.

161
00:11:19,008 --> 00:11:20,981
We've definitely
made a wrong turning.

162
00:11:21,016 --> 00:11:23,060
This cannot be the way
out of town, look at it.

163
00:11:35,072 --> 00:11:37,072
Oh, deary me.

164
00:11:39,024 --> 00:11:41,076
This isn't a main road, now, is it?

165
00:11:41,111 --> 00:11:43,064
I'm very uneasy here.

166
00:11:47,048 --> 00:11:49,008
Really bad.

167
00:11:50,092 --> 00:11:55,080
I'm sorry, guys, this is just
the perfect place for an ambush.

168
00:11:55,115 --> 00:11:57,061
Look how high
everything is around as.

169
00:11:57,096 --> 00:12:02,032
Go round the corner and
check it out for us.

170
00:12:02,067 --> 00:12:04,021
I'm not going round...

171
00:12:04,056 --> 00:12:07,092
I am going round.
Hammond, don't be an arse!

172
00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:09,053
Hammond, stop it. Hammond! Hammond!

173
00:12:09,088 --> 00:12:13,054
Tell us what it's like,
tell us what you can see.

174
00:12:13,089 --> 00:12:17,020
What I could see was a
route back to civilisation.

175
00:12:17,055 --> 00:12:19,571
We were in the clear.

176
00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:22,088
And then, we weren't.

177
00:12:22,123 --> 00:12:25,036
HORNS HONKING

178
00:12:26,032 --> 00:12:28,088
Oh God, that's catastrophic.

179
00:12:28,123 --> 00:12:29,997
RATTLING

180
00:12:30,032 --> 00:12:33,016
It's minutes from complete
death, this thing.

181
00:12:34,060 --> 00:12:35,969
CUTS OUT

182
00:12:36,004 --> 00:12:37,052
In fact, there it is.

183
00:12:41,076 --> 00:12:46,016
I think what's happened is
some pistons have fused.

184
00:12:47,072 --> 00:12:51,076
Still, at least we're in a part of town
where I'm sure there's a BMW dealer.

185
00:12:51,111 --> 00:12:55,020
It's let you down badly, mate,
your wisest choice of all.

186
00:12:55,055 --> 00:12:58,027
I heard him on the plane,
"I'm the wisest... "

187
00:12:58,062 --> 00:13:00,965
"I'm the wisest of them all".
Is this helping?

188
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:04,040
No, I was going to say, I love
the way you are so constructive

189
00:13:04,075 --> 00:13:06,008
in these moments of great peril.

190
00:13:07,004 --> 00:13:11,000
James fashioned an inspection
pit out of a nearby open sewer

191
00:13:11,035 --> 00:13:13,080
and told us to go away.

192
00:13:14,092 --> 00:13:18,072
I'm just thinking, I know we're not
supposed to just wander off, but...

193
00:13:21,060 --> 00:13:23,969
That's Iraq. Right there.

194
00:13:24,004 --> 00:13:26,064
You know, I was just
thinking how you stand here,

195
00:13:26,099 --> 00:13:29,001
there's a kitchen supplier here,

196
00:13:29,036 --> 00:13:32,092
and there's a schoolboy
there with his tie on,

197
00:13:32,127 --> 00:13:34,037
and everything's normal.

198
00:13:34,072 --> 00:13:39,036
But it just takes one in a
million to be not normal.

199
00:13:39,071 --> 00:13:41,056
It just takes one... TYRES SCREECH

200
00:13:41,091 --> 00:13:43,040
See, a noise like that,

201
00:13:43,075 --> 00:13:45,045
one person,

202
00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:48,024
and then it's not a
normal place at all.

203
00:13:48,059 --> 00:13:50,012
I didn't jump at that noise.

204
00:13:52,088 --> 00:13:57,056
'James's ultimate driving machine
soon began to annoy the locals. '

205
00:13:57,091 --> 00:13:58,981
You want to go here?

206
00:13:59,016 --> 00:14:02,009
'But then there was
a development. '

207
00:14:02,044 --> 00:14:07,000
Good news. What? There is a
back-up car on this journey,

208
00:14:07,035 --> 00:14:08,973
I've just been told
by the producers.

209
00:14:09,008 --> 00:14:12,028
Oh great, I expect it's
an XKR convertible?

210
00:14:12,063 --> 00:14:15,040
It's behind you.

211
00:14:16,044 --> 00:14:17,060
Oh, God.

212
00:14:18,056 --> 00:14:20,057
Is that a 1.6 Astra convertible?

213
00:14:20,092 --> 00:14:23,056
Yes it is, and it's utterly...
It's terrible.

214
00:14:23,091 --> 00:14:25,985
It's the worst
convertible in the world.

215
00:14:26,020 --> 00:14:29,056
It's a sponge cake with no flavour.
Yeah, it's a dreadful car.

216
00:14:29,091 --> 00:14:31,965
This has filled me
with a sense of relief.

217
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:35,008
We were going to leave him
and he would have been...

218
00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:38,997
But now we can go knowing
he's going to be OK.

219
00:14:39,032 --> 00:14:42,036
It makes it easier for us
to follow the code. It does.

220
00:14:42,071 --> 00:14:45,040
Do you know what? What?
It does, goodbye. Yes, goodbye.

221
00:14:50,052 --> 00:14:51,981
Car OK?

222
00:14:52,016 --> 00:14:54,084
Yes, in every way. The Fiat's fine.

223
00:14:57,040 --> 00:15:02,008
James was hoping to mend his car
without attracting too much attention.

224
00:15:02,043 --> 00:15:03,080
However...

225
00:15:06,076 --> 00:15:08,048
Hands out!

226
00:15:13,012 --> 00:15:15,037
'Spurred on by the wretched Astra,

227
00:15:15,072 --> 00:15:18,060
'I finally brought
Lazarus back to life. '

228
00:15:18,095 --> 00:15:19,084
ENGINE TURNS OVER

229
00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:21,061
Yes!

230
00:15:21,096 --> 00:15:23,004
CHEERING

231
00:15:24,044 --> 00:15:28,004
Well, I wouldn't have been able to
do it without those meddling kids.

232
00:15:29,016 --> 00:15:31,084
'But then, 20 minutes later... '

233
00:15:31,119 --> 00:15:33,103
RATTLING

234
00:15:33,138 --> 00:15:35,053
Oh, cock!

235
00:15:35,088 --> 00:15:37,997
'I'd done 11 miles,

236
00:15:38,032 --> 00:15:42,534
'and since there were 1,989
to go, I found a workshop

237
00:15:42,569 --> 00:15:47,036
'and then I found that the
cylinders were full of water. '

238
00:15:48,044 --> 00:15:49,029
Right, it's ten to one,

239
00:15:49,064 --> 00:15:53,009
the engine is as disassembled
as it needs to be,

240
00:15:53,044 --> 00:15:56,041
here's the new cylinder head
gasket, that will go on,

241
00:15:56,076 --> 00:16:00,040
the engine will go back together and
hopefully keep me out of the Astra.

242
00:16:00,075 --> 00:16:01,096
I hope that works, though.

243
00:16:06,092 --> 00:16:09,096
The next morning, we left
Arbil with our colleague in...

244
00:16:09,131 --> 00:16:12,044
.. his BMW.

245
00:16:14,064 --> 00:16:17,088
I wish the Astra would stop
just driving right behind me.

246
00:16:17,123 --> 00:16:21,040
He's made his point.
I've triumphed over him,

247
00:16:21,075 --> 00:16:23,052
so he can sod off, frankly.

248
00:16:24,048 --> 00:16:27,030
In the end, Arbil
had felt quite safe.

249
00:16:27,065 --> 00:16:29,977
But, as we drove
into the countryside,

250
00:16:30,012 --> 00:16:32,080
there were more and more
military checkpoints.

251
00:16:36,032 --> 00:16:38,080
Scary guards. Scary guards.

252
00:16:38,115 --> 00:16:40,096
Scary guards.

253
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:49,064
Lot of men, lot of guns.

254
00:16:53,016 --> 00:16:55,005
As we drove on, it started to rain,

255
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:57,096
and the roads became
unbelievably slippery.

256
00:16:59,068 --> 00:17:00,053
Holy BEEP.

257
00:17:00,088 --> 00:17:02,045
I've got a tankslapper.

258
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:05,048
I've gone, I've gone off,
that's what I've done.

259
00:17:08,008 --> 00:17:10,092
I've never driven on a road
surface like this, ever.

260
00:17:10,127 --> 00:17:12,064
'And it wasn't just the road... '

261
00:17:12,099 --> 00:17:13,057
Whoa! Heavens!

262
00:17:13,092 --> 00:17:16,060
'.. that felt very,
very dangerous. '

263
00:17:21,076 --> 00:17:24,028
Oh, I don't like it here.

264
00:17:25,036 --> 00:17:27,029
We are quite close to
the Iranian border,

265
00:17:27,064 --> 00:17:31,064
and of course the historic
relationship between Iraq and Iran

266
00:17:31,099 --> 00:17:35,064
is not good, and this is quite
literally bandit territory.

267
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:42,040
If there's a road-block up here and
they're not police, what shall we do?

268
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:47,981
I do know I'm getting drenched,
so I'm going to put the roof up.

269
00:17:48,016 --> 00:17:53,552
Roofs up, we moved off with Jeremy
setting an unusually cautious pace.

270
00:17:53,587 --> 00:17:59,088
I doubtless should be telling you
all sorts of things about this car.

271
00:17:59,123 --> 00:18:03,040
I'm just more concerned about
not being here at any more.

272
00:18:03,075 --> 00:18:06,061
Even thought the war in
Iraq is officially over,

273
00:18:06,096 --> 00:18:11,080
1,000 people a year are still being
killed by roadside bombs alone.

274
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:16,009
This is how you go round
a corner in Iraq -

275
00:18:16,044 --> 00:18:20,045
creep in about one mile an
hour, checking the apex,

276
00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:24,016
checking the sightlines, don't
like the look of that, backing up.

277
00:18:28,020 --> 00:18:32,036
As we crawled along, I had a
brainwave which I was eager to share,

278
00:18:32,071 --> 00:18:34,577
so we pulled over at
an underground market

279
00:18:34,612 --> 00:18:37,084
which had a waterfall
and a river in it.

280
00:18:39,096 --> 00:18:44,008
I've called you together because I
know how to make my car bullet-proof.

281
00:18:44,043 --> 00:18:46,013
Oh, yeah? Really? No...

282
00:18:46,048 --> 00:18:51,029
I am going to take the door linings
off and fill the doors with sand,

283
00:18:51,064 --> 00:18:57,000
and put the doors back on, so you're
driving around with two sandbags on either
side of you.

284
00:18:57,035 --> 00:18:58,025
That's not a bad idea... is it?

285
00:18:58,060 --> 00:19:01,061
I don't think it'll work.
Does a sandbag stop a bullet?

286
00:19:01,096 --> 00:19:06,036
A sandbag, yes. Why won't a door,
a sand door, stop a bullet?

287
00:19:06,071 --> 00:19:08,052
You're only going to
have that much sand.

288
00:19:08,087 --> 00:19:10,045
No, that much sand.
It's not enough.

289
00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:14,046
OK, you carry on... I'd say
it was worth a try, actually.

290
00:19:14,081 --> 00:19:18,012
I hate to say it, cos he
thought of it, but actually,

291
00:19:18,047 --> 00:19:20,036
think about it, it
might, it might work.

292
00:19:21,032 --> 00:19:23,092
Meeting over, I bought
Hammond a local souvenir.

293
00:19:25,088 --> 00:19:28,056
Would you like a.50
Cal bullet... Yeah?

294
00:19:28,091 --> 00:19:29,985
.. which is...

295
00:19:30,020 --> 00:19:32,024
a cigarette lighter?

296
00:19:33,056 --> 00:19:37,060
And then we went to find a
quiet spot for my experiment.

297
00:19:37,095 --> 00:19:39,045
Careful, you got a bit in the door.

298
00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:42,052
Shut up. Only a little
bit, but... Shut up.

299
00:19:45,024 --> 00:19:48,004
Behold. That will stop the round.

300
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,997
That would stop an RPG.
Yeah. You'll notice...

301
00:19:52,032 --> 00:19:55,040
'My armoured Mazda was ready
for testing, so I brought in

302
00:19:55,075 --> 00:19:56,969
'our armed security man,

303
00:19:57,004 --> 00:20:01,092
'who had learned in the Special Forces
how to have a pixellated face. '

304
00:20:04,068 --> 00:20:09,009
Observe, if you will, the
9mm entrance hole, yes?

305
00:20:09,044 --> 00:20:13,040
Shall we have a look to see how
much of it has gone through?

306
00:20:13,075 --> 00:20:15,543
It's gone straight through.

307
00:20:15,578 --> 00:20:18,012
'And it had kept going. '

308
00:20:20,084 --> 00:20:22,013
Oh, Lord!

309
00:20:22,048 --> 00:20:24,993
Oh, God! How's that happened?

310
00:20:25,028 --> 00:20:27,053
It knocked bits of bullet
or bits of doorframe...

311
00:20:27,088 --> 00:20:30,989
So the bullet shatters and...
.. turns into more bullets.

312
00:20:31,024 --> 00:20:35,040
Yeah. You're going to be all right
in there, mate. Nothing to see here.

313
00:20:37,044 --> 00:20:39,997
With 30 miles to go
to the Iranian border,

314
00:20:40,032 --> 00:20:44,056
James calmed his nerves
with a little carol concert.

315
00:20:44,091 --> 00:20:47,033
♪ We three blokes from BBC Two

316
00:20:47,068 --> 00:20:50,009
♪ One colour gold
car, one colour poo,

317
00:20:50,044 --> 00:20:53,068
♪ Oh-oh, brought the wrong
cars, brought the right,

318
00:20:53,103 --> 00:20:56,053
♪ Working heater, working lights,

319
00:20:56,088 --> 00:21:00,036
♪ Westward-going
Gasket maybe blowing

320
00:21:00,071 --> 00:21:01,072
♪ What a piece of sh...

321
00:21:10,004 --> 00:21:11,965
I believe that town ahead of us

322
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:15,080
is the last town before
the border. Yes!

323
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:25,045
Sorry.

324
00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:29,056
This is it, chaps.
Sort out the paperwork.

325
00:21:29,091 --> 00:21:31,085
See you in a sec.

326
00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:33,045
That's a relief.

327
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:36,080
My headlights aren't very good.
No, mine aren't.

328
00:21:40,012 --> 00:21:42,064
'Jeremy was back rather quickly. '

329
00:21:43,036 --> 00:21:46,080
Right. Bad news.

330
00:21:46,115 --> 00:21:48,004
What?

331
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:53,024
For political reasons, the
BBC is not allowed into Iran.

332
00:21:54,020 --> 00:21:56,057
Not allowed? You what?
No-one from the BBC...

333
00:21:56,092 --> 00:21:59,570
I thought it was just BBC
News, but the whole BBC

334
00:21:59,605 --> 00:22:03,048
is not allowed in Iran so
we can't cross the border.

335
00:22:03,083 --> 00:22:04,997
A car show isn't allowed into...?

336
00:22:05,032 --> 00:22:09,004
Never mind... Let's not get bogged down.
We aren't allowed in.

337
00:22:09,039 --> 00:22:10,981
So Ant and Dec can come here?

338
00:22:11,016 --> 00:22:16,056
Ant and Dec, Simon Cowell,
Chris Tarrant... Fifth Gear?

339
00:22:16,091 --> 00:22:18,013
Fifth Gear. Emmerdale Farm?

340
00:22:18,048 --> 00:22:21,092
Emmerdale Farm but not
David Attenborough, not us. Springwatch?

341
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:27,004
'We consulted the map and
the situation was bleak.

342
00:22:27,039 --> 00:22:28,057
'East was now out.

343
00:22:28,092 --> 00:22:30,021
'Baghdad was to the south

344
00:22:30,056 --> 00:22:33,564
'and the Al-Qaeda stronghold
of Mosul was to the west.

345
00:22:33,599 --> 00:22:37,072
'Our only option was to go
back down the mountain road

346
00:22:37,107 --> 00:22:42,025
'and try and find a safe
road north into Turkey. '

347
00:22:42,060 --> 00:22:45,096
I bet the original three wise
men never had this problem.

348
00:22:45,131 --> 00:22:48,985
Well, they weren't BBC, were they?

349
00:22:49,020 --> 00:22:53,044
We thought it too risky to tackle
the mountain road at night,

350
00:22:53,079 --> 00:22:56,581
so now we had to find
somewhere to stay.

351
00:22:56,616 --> 00:23:00,049
There is nothing even
remotely hotelish.

352
00:23:00,084 --> 00:23:03,060
We're travelling at night,
we have nowhere to stay.

353
00:23:04,092 --> 00:23:07,080
Probably the worst thing
we could do right now.

354
00:23:09,036 --> 00:23:10,096
Lights ahead, chaps.

355
00:23:20,068 --> 00:23:22,061
The following
morning, it turned out

356
00:23:22,096 --> 00:23:26,024
we'd stayed at an Iraqi amusement
park, which was a bit weird.

357
00:23:35,052 --> 00:23:37,092
That's Richard Hammond.

358
00:23:45,052 --> 00:23:48,993
While we were on the rides,
we realised something.

359
00:23:49,028 --> 00:23:52,064
We'd been in Iraq for two days and
we hadn't been shot even once,

360
00:23:52,099 --> 00:23:55,080
or blown up or beheaded
on the internet.

361
00:23:55,115 --> 00:23:59,028
In short, we had an epiphany.

362
00:24:02,048 --> 00:24:03,973
I'm not wearing this any more.

363
00:24:04,008 --> 00:24:07,036
I'm glad you said that.
I haven't felt in need of this.

364
00:24:07,071 --> 00:24:09,001
Ahhh...

365
00:24:09,036 --> 00:24:11,985
I'm glad we're not going to Iran,

366
00:24:12,020 --> 00:24:14,021
cos I'm sorry, I know
this is Iraq, OK,

367
00:24:14,056 --> 00:24:19,028
but it's the Kurdistan region
of Iraq so it's full of Kurds.

368
00:24:19,063 --> 00:24:21,025
They're all lovely.

369
00:24:21,060 --> 00:24:25,053
Everybody's very friendly.
It's about as dangerous as Cheltenham.

370
00:24:25,088 --> 00:24:30,020
So come on, the sun is out, three
convertible sports cars, we're in the
mountains.

371
00:24:30,055 --> 00:24:32,076
We can go down the same
road again, but enjoy it.

372
00:24:42,016 --> 00:24:44,017
Wow! Business as usual.

373
00:24:44,052 --> 00:24:48,004
This is incredible.
I'm in a Mazda MX-5,

374
00:24:48,039 --> 00:24:50,044
plunging through Iraq.

375
00:24:50,079 --> 00:24:52,056
Ah ha-ha!

376
00:24:54,056 --> 00:24:57,016
With the fear gone, we
could for the first time

377
00:24:57,051 --> 00:24:59,080
think about the cars we'd bought.

378
00:25:03,036 --> 00:25:06,076
Come on then, little Barchetta,
let's see what you've got.

379
00:25:07,068 --> 00:25:10,037
The weird thing is, of the three,

380
00:25:10,072 --> 00:25:13,045
this is the least like
a traditional roadster.

381
00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:17,072
It's front-wheel-drive, it's
based on a Fiat Punto underneath.

382
00:25:17,107 --> 00:25:19,981
But this is a glorious little car.

383
00:25:20,016 --> 00:25:23,024
The whole front wheel-drive
issue just doesn't matter.

384
00:25:23,059 --> 00:25:27,016
This feels special and
that's all that matters

385
00:25:27,051 --> 00:25:28,060
in a two-seater roadster.

386
00:25:32,004 --> 00:25:34,013
As you'd expect with an MX-5,

387
00:25:34,048 --> 00:25:38,052
every single thing
on it is perfect.

388
00:25:40,064 --> 00:25:42,072
Apart from some holes in this door.

389
00:25:43,072 --> 00:25:46,060
How does a bullet
split into three parts

390
00:25:46,095 --> 00:25:48,096
while travelling through a Mazda?

391
00:25:48,131 --> 00:25:51,025
I think it's a sign.

392
00:25:51,060 --> 00:25:55,016
The Father, the Son
and the Holy Door.

393
00:25:57,060 --> 00:25:59,997
Meanwhile, at the back...

394
00:26:00,032 --> 00:26:04,024
Viewers, strictly between you and me,
I may have made a bit of an error.

395
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:06,021
Erm...

396
00:26:06,056 --> 00:26:07,049
How can I put it?

397
00:26:07,084 --> 00:26:10,564
The engine is too small,
the suspension is too soft

398
00:26:10,599 --> 00:26:14,044
and the gaps between the
gear ratios are so big,

399
00:26:14,079 --> 00:26:17,000
I could get another
gearbox in them.

400
00:26:17,035 --> 00:26:20,096
Come on! And change.

401
00:26:23,016 --> 00:26:24,024
Thank you.

402
00:26:31,084 --> 00:26:34,546
As we headed deeper
into northern Iraq,

403
00:26:34,581 --> 00:26:37,973
the scenery became
even more spectacular.

404
00:26:38,008 --> 00:26:42,032
I can honestly say I don't think I've
ever been anywhere more beautiful.

405
00:26:42,067 --> 00:26:44,048
It's movingly beautiful.

406
00:26:49,060 --> 00:26:52,045
I am so glad

407
00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:56,040
we weren't allowed into Iran
cos if we were there now,

408
00:26:56,075 --> 00:26:59,032
I wouldn't be seeing
this incredible place.

409
00:26:59,067 --> 00:27:02,012
Why were we ever frightened here?

410
00:27:05,068 --> 00:27:08,005
Sadly, not all of
Iraq is this peaceful,

411
00:27:08,040 --> 00:27:12,036
so the next morning we found
a road to Turkey and set off,

412
00:27:12,071 --> 00:27:15,020
still heading away from Bethlehem.

413
00:27:20,076 --> 00:27:23,005
Jeremy's got a dish-dash
thing on his head

414
00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:26,540
which makes him look like
Lawrence of Incompetence.

415
00:27:26,575 --> 00:27:30,040
But at least he had managed
to learn a few local words,

416
00:27:30,075 --> 00:27:34,048
which came in handy at
the next filling station.

417
00:27:34,083 --> 00:27:36,029
Just remember,

418
00:27:36,064 --> 00:27:38,032
"bhedji" is petrol.

419
00:27:39,024 --> 00:27:40,041
"Bhedji" is bastard.

420
00:27:40,076 --> 00:27:43,004
So don't, whatever you
do, get that wrong.

421
00:27:43,039 --> 00:27:44,084
Is there anybody here?

422
00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:48,020
'There was... sort of. '

423
00:27:55,072 --> 00:27:58,052
I don't like to wake a man
up just for some petrol.

424
00:27:58,087 --> 00:28:01,032
Especially if I accidentally
call him a bastard.

425
00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:09,092
So we trundled onwards and soon we
arrived at the scary Turkish border.

426
00:28:14,008 --> 00:28:18,068
Oh... This doesn't feel
friendly at all somehow.

427
00:28:21,092 --> 00:28:24,004
Out the car? Yes, please. OK.

428
00:28:35,016 --> 00:28:37,084
What's he going to do?

429
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:49,092
That's a can of...

430
00:28:49,127 --> 00:28:50,989
Oh...

431
00:28:51,024 --> 00:28:53,973
What is this? I can explain.

432
00:28:54,008 --> 00:28:56,052
It's... It's erm... it's a lighter.

433
00:28:56,087 --> 00:29:00,012
Lighter? Yeah. Sorry.

434
00:29:00,047 --> 00:29:01,965
Are you sure?

435
00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:03,076
Yeah. Can I show it to you... See?

436
00:29:03,111 --> 00:29:06,041
It erm... If you do that.

437
00:29:06,076 --> 00:29:08,088
Then it... Oh, it doesn't work.

438
00:29:08,123 --> 00:29:10,105
You are a funny man.

439
00:29:10,140 --> 00:29:12,088
Yeah. Sorry. Sorry.

440
00:29:15,036 --> 00:29:17,072
OK, I think I may
have just had a wee.

441
00:29:18,084 --> 00:29:24,032
On the other side of the border, we
pulled over for new instructions.

442
00:29:25,084 --> 00:29:28,004
They've moved in. Predictable.

443
00:29:29,068 --> 00:29:31,038
You idiots.

444
00:29:31,073 --> 00:29:32,973
Yes. Strong.

445
00:29:33,008 --> 00:29:38,092
You have escaped from a region where there
is no war into a region where there is.

446
00:29:40,056 --> 00:29:43,072
The Kurds are fighting the
Turks for independence,

447
00:29:43,107 --> 00:29:46,037
so if you really are wise men,

448
00:29:46,072 --> 00:29:50,048
you will get to your hotel in
the safe zone by nightfall.

449
00:29:53,056 --> 00:29:54,965
And more...

450
00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:57,041
Ah, Foreign Office.

451
00:29:57,076 --> 00:30:00,965
British Government Foreign
Office travel summary.

452
00:30:01,000 --> 00:30:05,036
We advise against all but essential
travel in the provinces of Hakkari,

453
00:30:05,071 --> 00:30:08,024
Sirnak, Siirt and Tunceli.

454
00:30:12,008 --> 00:30:14,072
Nine attacks this year so far.

455
00:30:14,107 --> 00:30:16,016
High threat of terrorism.

456
00:30:17,080 --> 00:30:19,005
This is worse then, than Iraq.

457
00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:22,028
I thought I'd said goodbye to this.

458
00:30:22,063 --> 00:30:24,020
Is that where we're going?

459
00:30:24,055 --> 00:30:26,033
We're going to...

460
00:30:26,068 --> 00:30:27,977
That's 220 miles.

461
00:30:28,012 --> 00:30:30,044
That's 363 kilometres.

462
00:30:30,079 --> 00:30:32,969
That's 220 miles.

463
00:30:33,004 --> 00:30:37,029
We've got 220 miles to do in...

464
00:30:37,064 --> 00:30:40,080
Four and a half hours.
Four and a half hours. Not possible.

465
00:30:44,084 --> 00:30:48,032
I'm afraid, chaps, this
has just become a test

466
00:30:48,067 --> 00:30:50,072
of who's got the fastest car.

467
00:30:53,008 --> 00:30:54,016
Here we go...

468
00:30:55,024 --> 00:30:57,036
Speed saves lives!

469
00:30:58,076 --> 00:31:02,044
Fast driving here, though,
was a perilous business.

470
00:31:02,079 --> 00:31:05,036
Oh, whoa, bit bumpy there!

471
00:31:07,012 --> 00:31:09,016
What the hell?

472
00:31:09,051 --> 00:31:10,033
Oh, God.

473
00:31:10,068 --> 00:31:12,052
I'd rather be blown up.

474
00:31:13,036 --> 00:31:15,025
These roads are BLEEP.

475
00:31:15,060 --> 00:31:20,024
It feels like they just poured
some tarmac on to the terrain.

476
00:31:20,059 --> 00:31:21,973
Oh, no! My hat!

477
00:31:22,008 --> 00:31:24,005
But despite the discomfort,

478
00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:28,028
Top Gear's orang-utan
decided to go even faster.

479
00:31:28,063 --> 00:31:30,052
Come on then, you two, come on!

480
00:31:30,087 --> 00:31:31,561
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

481
00:31:31,596 --> 00:31:33,001
Which went well.

482
00:31:33,036 --> 00:31:35,985
Oh, God. What the hell?

483
00:31:36,020 --> 00:31:39,000
CHUGGING Guys, I've
got a big problem.

484
00:31:39,035 --> 00:31:41,012
Big problem. Big problem.

485
00:31:46,012 --> 00:31:48,009
CHUGGING AND RATTLING
That's the exhaust.

486
00:31:48,044 --> 00:31:50,985
Sounds like the exhaust manifold.
It does, it does.

487
00:31:51,020 --> 00:31:54,080
I think you'll find, chaps, it's
just a spark plug that's come out.

488
00:31:54,115 --> 00:31:56,037
It's always good when that happens.

489
00:31:56,072 --> 00:32:00,024
At least we're not in a
dangerous part of the world.

490
00:32:02,044 --> 00:32:04,001
What an ape. What? You.

491
00:32:04,036 --> 00:32:07,016
What? How can I be
responsible for a spark plug?

492
00:32:07,051 --> 00:32:09,973
We're supposed to
be three wise men,

493
00:32:10,008 --> 00:32:13,080
not two wise men, sorry, one of
them blew his Mazda up, we left him.

494
00:32:13,115 --> 00:32:16,076
11 miles, Ted Nugent did.

495
00:32:16,111 --> 00:32:18,061
Oh, my God.

496
00:32:18,096 --> 00:32:20,049
♪ We three kings of Orient are

497
00:32:20,084 --> 00:32:22,032
♪ One in a Vauxhall,
two in sports cars...

498
00:32:22,067 --> 00:32:24,973
I don't need you, I don't.

499
00:32:25,008 --> 00:32:26,053
Thank you for helping me, Richard.

500
00:32:26,088 --> 00:32:29,040
Thank you. But you love
doing this, you two.

501
00:32:29,075 --> 00:32:31,065
This is your favourite thing.

502
00:32:31,100 --> 00:32:33,056
Is the plug not actually...

503
00:32:36,036 --> 00:32:38,024
Why are you being
so annoying today?

504
00:32:38,059 --> 00:32:40,088
Even by your own standards.

505
00:32:44,040 --> 00:32:47,013
Eventually, the spark plug
was glued back into place.

506
00:32:47,048 --> 00:32:51,032
But, we were still in the danger
zone, and running out of light.

507
00:32:53,024 --> 00:32:55,029
Look at this.

508
00:32:55,064 --> 00:32:58,076
A bit more serious than
those ones we saw in Iraq.

509
00:33:00,052 --> 00:33:03,068
That is a man
surrounded by sandbags.

510
00:33:03,103 --> 00:33:05,020
Sandbags don't work.

511
00:33:08,008 --> 00:33:10,000
Trying to be helpful.

512
00:33:11,048 --> 00:33:14,053
'Mercifully, though, the
road soon improved. '

513
00:33:14,088 --> 00:33:19,016
Right, looks like we've got
ourselves a dual-carriageway here.

514
00:33:19,051 --> 00:33:20,021
Oh, that's better.

515
00:33:20,056 --> 00:33:24,060
'But unfortunately, no-one had
told the locals how to use it. '

516
00:33:25,072 --> 00:33:29,048
There's a lorry on the wrong side
of the dual-carriageway, guys.

517
00:33:29,083 --> 00:33:31,064
The wrong way on a
dual-carriageway.

518
00:33:38,092 --> 00:33:41,092
This is bloody suicidal.
What are they doing?

519
00:33:44,048 --> 00:33:49,072
The highway madness meant it was well
after dark when we reached safety.

520
00:33:49,107 --> 00:33:55,036
My car's running like a pig.
"Mine is as well. Absolute pig. "

521
00:33:55,071 --> 00:33:58,076
"I think that road has
basically shaken the engines -

522
00:33:58,111 --> 00:34:01,012
"quite literally, in
my case - to pieces. "

523
00:34:01,047 --> 00:34:03,049
Er, mine's fine.

524
00:34:03,084 --> 00:34:07,016
If you think about it, who
would ever have guessed

525
00:34:07,051 --> 00:34:09,061
out of the three, a
Mazda, a BMW and a Fiat,

526
00:34:09,096 --> 00:34:12,084
that the Fiat would appear
to be holding together best.

527
00:34:12,119 --> 00:34:15,072
Hammond continued boasting
all the way to the hotel.

528
00:34:15,107 --> 00:34:19,040
So that night, after a
top level brainstorm,

529
00:34:19,075 --> 00:34:21,973
we set about the
business of revenge.

530
00:34:22,008 --> 00:34:27,008
Right, so I will disconnect these,
which go to that. You with me?

531
00:34:27,043 --> 00:34:30,020
Yeah, yeah. Disconnect these,
and then put two new ones on.

532
00:34:30,055 --> 00:34:32,025
'In short, we disconnect the stereo

533
00:34:32,060 --> 00:34:35,068
'and wire a hidden new
one into the ignition. '

534
00:34:35,103 --> 00:34:38,013
He's going to have the worst,

535
00:34:38,048 --> 00:34:43,045
literally the worst
journey, in human history.

536
00:34:43,080 --> 00:34:48,024
So, this is now utterly redundant
and not connected up to anything.

537
00:34:48,059 --> 00:34:52,056
'All we had to now was
choose some music he hated. '

538
00:34:52,091 --> 00:34:54,068
James, I've got the perfect CD.

539
00:34:58,000 --> 00:34:59,052
Come on.

540
00:35:05,076 --> 00:35:09,020
The next morning, we discovered
this wasn't the best day

541
00:35:09,055 --> 00:35:11,096
to be giving Hammond
sudden surprises.

542
00:35:11,131 --> 00:35:12,613
It's just... I can't...

543
00:35:12,648 --> 00:35:14,061
Where have you been?

544
00:35:14,096 --> 00:35:17,084
News of a slightly
inconvenient nature,

545
00:35:17,119 --> 00:35:19,092
they have arrived.

546
00:35:19,127 --> 00:35:22,045
The trots.

547
00:35:22,080 --> 00:35:25,053
How badly? Ah. Really...

548
00:35:25,088 --> 00:35:28,092
Is it the brown rain?
Don't go there. Brown rain?!

549
00:35:28,127 --> 00:35:30,084
Don't go there.
Seriously, is it bad?

550
00:35:30,119 --> 00:35:32,009
Catastrophic.

551
00:35:32,044 --> 00:35:35,566
It's as if somebody turned on a
tap at 3am and left it running.

552
00:35:35,601 --> 00:35:39,088
If you're having your Boxing
Day lunch now, I apologise. Sorry.

553
00:35:41,044 --> 00:35:44,096
At least I can rely on the sympathy
of my colleagues. That's good.

554
00:35:44,131 --> 00:35:48,012
Can I listen to yours on tick-over?
It's beautiful.

555
00:35:50,084 --> 00:35:52,001
They always make...

556
00:35:52,036 --> 00:35:55,028
MUSIC BY GENESIS STARTS PLAYING

557
00:35:58,036 --> 00:35:59,088
I can't stop it!

558
00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:03,040
I didn't think you liked Genesis.

559
00:36:03,075 --> 00:36:05,048
I can't stop it!

560
00:36:06,076 --> 00:36:08,574
Weird.

561
00:36:08,609 --> 00:36:11,037
You BLEEP!

562
00:36:11,072 --> 00:36:13,540
What have you done?

563
00:36:13,575 --> 00:36:16,008
MUSIC CONTINUES

564
00:36:19,036 --> 00:36:22,981
All right, Genesis. Oh...

565
00:36:23,016 --> 00:36:27,064
Oh, great. Bloody keyboard solo.

566
00:36:30,096 --> 00:36:32,985
Hammond's day was very miserable.

567
00:36:33,020 --> 00:36:38,076
But while queuing at the Syrian
border, May's became even worse.

568
00:36:41,004 --> 00:36:43,025
Nothing to see. Won't it go?

569
00:36:43,060 --> 00:36:45,080
I think it's this
stupid alarm. Hang on.

570
00:36:48,016 --> 00:36:49,037
"Armed".

571
00:36:49,072 --> 00:36:53,012
Armed? Don't say that when
you're going into Syria.

572
00:36:53,047 --> 00:36:53,997
"Disarmed. "

573
00:36:54,032 --> 00:36:55,037
I didn't touch it then.

574
00:36:55,072 --> 00:36:59,000
'The alarm had totally
immobilised the engine. '

575
00:36:59,035 --> 00:37:01,057
Come on. Make it go.
It doesn't work.

576
00:37:01,092 --> 00:37:07,076
So, what with one thing and another, our
arrival into Syria was a bit of a shambles.

577
00:37:07,111 --> 00:37:09,033
GENESIS BLARES

578
00:37:09,068 --> 00:37:13,012
Stop, stop. Gently, I said. Ah!

579
00:37:14,076 --> 00:37:17,001
Sorry. Sorry.

580
00:37:17,036 --> 00:37:20,064
Morning, sorry.
I can't - it's broken.

581
00:37:20,099 --> 00:37:23,045
I can't turn it off. Doesn't work.

582
00:37:23,080 --> 00:37:26,580
It would take several
hours to clear customs,

583
00:37:26,615 --> 00:37:30,080
so we all set about
doing what we had to do.

584
00:37:32,072 --> 00:37:34,068
Ugh...

585
00:37:35,096 --> 00:37:36,592
"Armed. "

586
00:37:36,627 --> 00:37:38,353
"Disarmed. "

587
00:37:38,388 --> 00:37:40,080
"Armed. "

588
00:37:41,064 --> 00:37:43,036
"Armed. "

589
00:37:44,036 --> 00:37:45,548
"Disarmed. "

590
00:37:45,583 --> 00:37:47,060
RICHARD WHIMPERS

591
00:37:47,095 --> 00:37:50,000
GUSHING

592
00:37:50,072 --> 00:37:52,977
Please end. End.

593
00:37:53,012 --> 00:37:57,056
"The alarm will sound if
you don't back away. "

594
00:37:59,048 --> 00:38:03,004
Plague. Red cross, just lets
people know there's plague in it.

595
00:38:03,039 --> 00:38:05,072
Yeah. It is comforting
having you around, Jeremy.

596
00:38:07,024 --> 00:38:09,080
Eventually, we hammered
James's car back into life...

597
00:38:09,115 --> 00:38:11,029
ENGINE REVS

598
00:38:11,064 --> 00:38:14,993
Yes!.. and we crossed
into yet another country.

599
00:38:15,028 --> 00:38:20,016
We've only been in Syria for half a
mile and it's better than Turkey.

600
00:38:20,051 --> 00:38:22,033
Also, we need to start
thinking about gold,

601
00:38:22,068 --> 00:38:26,016
frankincense and myrrh as
a gift for the Baby Jesus.

602
00:38:28,020 --> 00:38:31,016
For the first time, we
three kings of Orient are

603
00:38:31,051 --> 00:38:33,525
were actually heading
towards Bethlehem.

604
00:38:33,560 --> 00:38:35,965
But when we stopped
for a map check,

605
00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:39,981
we realised our journey was
still fraught with problems.

606
00:38:40,016 --> 00:38:44,080
Right, for political reasons, you
cant go from Syria into Israel,

607
00:38:44,115 --> 00:38:47,081
because they won't let you.
The border's shut.

608
00:38:47,116 --> 00:38:50,062
Why can't we just go
through the Lebanon?

609
00:38:50,097 --> 00:38:52,973
The Lebanon into Israel?
That's a great idea!

610
00:38:53,008 --> 00:38:56,034
You'll find that really tricky.
You won't be able to...

611
00:38:56,069 --> 00:38:59,025
So, we can't go Syria-Israel.
We can't do Lebanon-Israel.

612
00:38:59,060 --> 00:39:04,008
No, but we can, I think, the border
between Jordan and Israel is open,

613
00:39:04,043 --> 00:39:05,001
and quite friendly.

614
00:39:05,036 --> 00:39:08,064
If we go through Syria into Jordan
and then across into Israel.

615
00:39:08,099 --> 00:39:10,045
I think you're right. Yes.

616
00:39:10,080 --> 00:39:15,068
The only problem we've got is that if
the Israelis know we've been in Syria,

617
00:39:15,103 --> 00:39:17,055
they won't let us in.

618
00:39:17,090 --> 00:39:18,973
At the border? Yeah.

619
00:39:19,008 --> 00:39:20,037
Well, we've got two passports.

620
00:39:20,072 --> 00:39:22,965
It's not the passports
I'm worried about.

621
00:39:23,000 --> 00:39:26,030
You go to a country - oh, Top
Gear's here! You're on the news.

622
00:39:26,065 --> 00:39:29,550
The Israelis will say, you've
been in Syria, you can't come in.

623
00:39:29,585 --> 00:39:33,036
Yeah, but in Syria? Yeah, it's not
like France, or Australia.

624
00:39:33,071 --> 00:39:35,048
Syria, they won't watch Top Gear.

625
00:39:38,028 --> 00:39:39,088
You watch Top Gear?

626
00:39:39,123 --> 00:39:40,985
Yes.

627
00:39:41,020 --> 00:39:44,040
'At the next town, James's
theory rather fell apart. '

628
00:39:44,075 --> 00:39:45,045
"Top Gear. "

629
00:39:45,080 --> 00:39:49,020
Welcome Captain Slow
in Syria. Welcome!

630
00:39:49,055 --> 00:39:51,063
OK, are we all in? Yes?

631
00:39:51,098 --> 00:39:53,037
Yes, yes, of course.

632
00:39:53,072 --> 00:39:55,092
This has gone quite
badly wrong now.

633
00:39:58,000 --> 00:39:59,088
So, we called an emergency meeting.

634
00:40:01,068 --> 00:40:06,056
There's no way, with that level of Top
Gear interest, we'll make it to Bethlehem.

635
00:40:06,091 --> 00:40:08,981
Literally, it'll take five minutes

636
00:40:09,016 --> 00:40:12,068
and the news crews will be here,
radio stations, newspapers.

637
00:40:12,103 --> 00:40:15,065
"Top Gear are in Syria.
" You mark my words.

638
00:40:15,100 --> 00:40:18,028
We've got to cross Syria
without being found.

639
00:40:18,063 --> 00:40:20,048
We need a plan.

640
00:40:22,084 --> 00:40:25,056
PROGRAMME OVERDUBBED INTO ARABIC

641
00:40:32,076 --> 00:40:34,548
Why don't we just avoid the roads?

642
00:40:34,583 --> 00:40:36,985
If we do that, we avoid the towns.

643
00:40:37,020 --> 00:40:39,088
Well, how do we do that?
Cross the desert.

644
00:40:39,123 --> 00:40:41,045
The desert? Yep.

645
00:40:41,080 --> 00:40:45,080
Are you proposing we sneak
through Syria? Sneak across it.

646
00:40:45,115 --> 00:40:48,005
If we find a garage, a workshop,

647
00:40:48,040 --> 00:40:51,045
modify the cars for
desert sneaking...

648
00:40:51,080 --> 00:40:54,068
I love the sound of the plan.
I'll give it a go.

649
00:40:54,103 --> 00:40:56,064
I think it's fantastic.

650
00:40:57,084 --> 00:41:01,056
So, we found some workshops
and cue the music...

651
00:41:01,091 --> 00:41:05,096
"THE A-TEAM THEME"

652
00:41:09,084 --> 00:41:11,068
No! No! No!

653
00:41:17,036 --> 00:41:19,022
Yes. Yes.

654
00:41:19,057 --> 00:41:21,008
Oh...

655
00:41:22,004 --> 00:41:24,044
Guys!

656
00:41:54,084 --> 00:41:57,028
The whole point of going
through the desert

657
00:41:57,063 --> 00:41:59,071
is we're trying to
stay out of sight.

658
00:41:59,106 --> 00:42:01,080
Well, what I have here
is a Bedouin tent.

659
00:42:04,040 --> 00:42:06,049
A small portion has to
poke out from the tent

660
00:42:06,084 --> 00:42:10,044
because I need to see out, and open
the bonnet at some point probably,

661
00:42:10,079 --> 00:42:14,004
so I've disguised it by putting
glue on it and covering it in sand

662
00:42:14,039 --> 00:42:16,068
from the very desert I'm
camouflaging it against.

663
00:42:16,103 --> 00:42:19,068
Anybody looks, it's
just a Bedouin tent.

664
00:42:22,068 --> 00:42:26,080
What I've done here is create a
car of many colours. I am Joseph.

665
00:42:26,115 --> 00:42:29,017
Now, I know that in the Bible,

666
00:42:29,052 --> 00:42:33,072
he was kicked half to death by his
brothers and then thrown in a well,

667
00:42:33,107 --> 00:42:37,073
but he did end up in the
West End as Jason Donovan.

668
00:42:37,108 --> 00:42:41,040
Mechanically, what I've done
to cross this vast desert

669
00:42:41,075 --> 00:42:43,045
is fitted an axle of evil.

670
00:42:43,080 --> 00:42:47,560
This is now a dually
six-wheeled Mazda MX-5.

671
00:42:47,595 --> 00:42:52,005
Some other features
you may have spotted -

672
00:42:52,040 --> 00:42:56,072
the Hubble pipe attached to a bracket
which hangs from the bullet-holes.

673
00:42:56,107 --> 00:42:58,017
That's rather brilliant.

674
00:42:58,052 --> 00:43:00,025
A spoiler on the back
for added traction.

675
00:43:00,060 --> 00:43:05,052
There's no sand in the world
will stop this. Oh, no.

676
00:43:08,084 --> 00:43:11,060
I've taken my inspiration
from the Afrika Korps.

677
00:43:11,095 --> 00:43:14,036
The tools, the sand
channels, and what have you.

678
00:43:14,071 --> 00:43:16,025
And the Luftwaffe,
for the paint scheme.

679
00:43:16,060 --> 00:43:19,076
It may seem irrelevant, but
it is actually very biblical,

680
00:43:19,111 --> 00:43:22,036
because this - this is
the light of the world.

681
00:43:22,071 --> 00:43:23,977
Or will be, when it gets dark.

682
00:43:24,012 --> 00:43:27,024
And those jerry cans, they
hold enough provisions

683
00:43:27,059 --> 00:43:29,080
for 40 days and
nights in the desert.

684
00:43:30,036 --> 00:43:32,076
Forward, schnell!

685
00:43:35,060 --> 00:43:39,534
We were feeling confident
as we pushed deeper

686
00:43:39,569 --> 00:43:44,008
into 200,000 square miles
of absolutely nothing

687
00:43:44,043 --> 00:43:45,057
and nobody.

688
00:43:45,092 --> 00:43:48,056
All three have done
pretty well, you'll admit.

689
00:43:48,091 --> 00:43:51,084
Yeah, yeah.
We are wise men. We are.

690
00:43:53,044 --> 00:43:57,068
Soon, though, things began to
get tricky for Hilda Ogden.

691
00:43:57,103 --> 00:43:59,072
Quite bumpy, this.

692
00:43:59,107 --> 00:44:01,013
Very bumpy.

693
00:44:01,048 --> 00:44:04,076
Quite a bad bit of desert.

694
00:44:04,111 --> 00:44:08,981
Oh, no! Oh, no!

695
00:44:09,016 --> 00:44:12,060
A disaster has befallen my wheels.

696
00:44:14,048 --> 00:44:17,024
Don't need it. Just pop it here.

697
00:44:19,028 --> 00:44:21,072
'And anyway, I still
had one left. '

698
00:44:23,088 --> 00:44:27,000
Oh, dear! That's not as
good as I would have hoped.

699
00:44:30,052 --> 00:44:33,028
There. I just keep finding
these in the desert.

700
00:44:33,063 --> 00:44:35,005
I don't know where
they're coming from.

701
00:44:35,040 --> 00:44:39,092
Have you decided the extended wheel
arches look better inside the car?

702
00:44:39,127 --> 00:44:42,080
They're detachable. Yes, I can see.

703
00:44:45,056 --> 00:44:49,044
Despite his incompetence, Hilda
insisted on leading from the front.

704
00:44:49,079 --> 00:44:52,004
Follow me, gentlemen,
I've found a way.

705
00:44:52,039 --> 00:44:55,065
Oh, joy. You've got to be kidding.

706
00:44:55,100 --> 00:44:58,092
Nobody will find us down here.

707
00:44:58,127 --> 00:45:00,084
Follow me.

708
00:45:01,060 --> 00:45:03,005
THUD

709
00:45:03,040 --> 00:45:07,088
Don't follow me. Oh, God. Back up.

710
00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:14,005
Oh, I've reversed... Ah.

711
00:45:14,040 --> 00:45:16,052
Clarkson, you've
just ruined my tent!

712
00:45:17,044 --> 00:45:20,001
This is not going as
well as I'd hoped.

713
00:45:20,036 --> 00:45:24,052
'To make amends, I offered to
cook lunch on my spoiler. '

714
00:45:25,088 --> 00:45:28,004
The heat of the
Syrian desert sun...

715
00:45:29,076 --> 00:45:31,576
.. has been cooking
that all day long.

716
00:45:31,611 --> 00:45:34,076
So we take some...
Would you like this?

717
00:45:34,111 --> 00:45:36,595
Do you want a fried egg sandwich?

718
00:45:36,630 --> 00:45:39,080
Yeah. If you can
make me one. Ready?

719
00:45:49,048 --> 00:45:53,040
Remember they were saying, will
there ever be another Keith Floyd?

720
00:45:55,028 --> 00:46:00,024
After the aborted lunch stop, the
going started to get really tough.

721
00:46:00,059 --> 00:46:05,052
Oh... This is a bit much
for the little Fiat here.

722
00:46:05,087 --> 00:46:08,032
Ugh... Quite steep, this.

723
00:46:08,067 --> 00:46:10,551
It is, isn't it?

724
00:46:10,586 --> 00:46:13,001
Oh! Oh! That was...

725
00:46:13,036 --> 00:46:16,538
Here, it's... Oh look.
Ugh! Oh, God.

726
00:46:16,573 --> 00:46:20,005
'The radiator bracket had sheared,

727
00:46:20,040 --> 00:46:24,004
'and the radiator itself was
now hanging by a thread. '

728
00:46:24,039 --> 00:46:27,000
So, if that falls off,
you are in the Vauxhall.

729
00:46:27,035 --> 00:46:29,024
There is no other
way of putting that.

730
00:46:29,059 --> 00:46:30,088
Look at that. Not good.

731
00:46:31,096 --> 00:46:36,008
Top Gear tradition dictates that we
should leave Hammond to fend for himself.

732
00:46:36,043 --> 00:46:41,000
And in this vast, lifeless desert,
that's what we decided to do.

733
00:46:41,035 --> 00:46:44,076
We'd love to stay and help,
but I have no ability at all.

734
00:46:44,111 --> 00:46:46,061
This has been proven many times.

735
00:46:46,096 --> 00:46:50,076
And he can't be bothered. So, come on, James.
OK, that's good. Goodbye.

736
00:46:50,111 --> 00:46:52,084
Get the tools from the tent...

737
00:46:55,036 --> 00:46:58,057
I'll be honest, I'm amazed.

738
00:46:58,092 --> 00:47:01,062
It's quite an old Fiat and
and a small one at that.

739
00:47:01,097 --> 00:47:04,032
This is the first time it's
let me down mechanically.

740
00:47:04,067 --> 00:47:07,024
And in fairness, I let it down.

741
00:47:09,080 --> 00:47:11,032
Ah, hot!

742
00:47:12,036 --> 00:47:13,021
Ow.

743
00:47:13,056 --> 00:47:16,045
'The repair was a real struggle. '

744
00:47:16,080 --> 00:47:19,064
I'm guessing it gets dark
pretty quickly round here.

745
00:47:19,099 --> 00:47:21,965
My bodge has failed.

746
00:47:22,000 --> 00:47:25,080
Radiator's dropped again.
I'm trying to fix it up more permanently.

747
00:47:25,115 --> 00:47:28,036
I've no doubt they'll be
very worried about me.

748
00:47:30,032 --> 00:47:34,012
Yeah! What do you
think of that? Ha ha!

749
00:47:34,088 --> 00:47:37,068
Excellent! More desert.

750
00:47:37,103 --> 00:47:40,013
JEREMY'S REAR WHEEL RATTLES

751
00:47:40,048 --> 00:47:43,048
Look at that rear wheel.
That's so hopeless.

752
00:47:47,048 --> 00:47:51,048
What a lovely evening, travelling
with my mates... Well, one of them.

753
00:47:53,000 --> 00:47:55,977
Sun's going down, it's going cool.

754
00:47:56,012 --> 00:47:59,024
The fact of the matter is this
there are no people here.

755
00:48:00,048 --> 00:48:04,084
We are sneaking across
Syria, and it's going well.

756
00:48:06,080 --> 00:48:09,012
Not everyone agreed with that.

757
00:48:09,056 --> 00:48:15,020
It is a beautiful looking place, but
I don't want to be here at night.

758
00:48:15,055 --> 00:48:17,092
Scorpions, snakes,
it's got the lot.

759
00:48:17,127 --> 00:48:19,985
A million ways to die out here.

760
00:48:20,020 --> 00:48:24,024
'Still, at least I had
my new spotlights. '

761
00:48:26,064 --> 00:48:28,017
Oh, they're dud.

762
00:48:28,052 --> 00:48:30,056
They make no difference!

763
00:48:30,091 --> 00:48:32,969
THUDDING

764
00:48:33,004 --> 00:48:35,041
All these stones are hitting
right under the car,

765
00:48:35,076 --> 00:48:40,016
right where I've bodged that bracket
back on to hold the radiator up.

766
00:48:40,051 --> 00:48:43,008
The radiator drops, hits a
rock, it can get ripped off,

767
00:48:43,043 --> 00:48:44,060
that's a game-finisher.

768
00:48:44,095 --> 00:48:46,012
Oh!

769
00:48:47,084 --> 00:48:50,036
Oh, God.

770
00:48:51,028 --> 00:48:52,993
'Despite everything though,

771
00:48:53,028 --> 00:48:56,092
'I managed to stumble across
my concerned colleagues... '

772
00:48:56,127 --> 00:48:59,012
It's a tent, moving by itself!

773
00:48:59,047 --> 00:49:01,549
Just been in the desert.

774
00:49:01,584 --> 00:49:04,017
Crossing the desert.

775
00:49:04,052 --> 00:49:07,068
'.. and found Jeremy
had made supper. '

776
00:49:13,088 --> 00:49:16,084
This made us very philosophical.

777
00:49:18,076 --> 00:49:22,012
I tell you what, if
the three wise men

778
00:49:22,047 --> 00:49:25,037
had done the journey now,

779
00:49:25,072 --> 00:49:30,056
they wouldn't have bothered going there and
school Nativity plays would be easier to
cast.

780
00:49:30,091 --> 00:49:33,044
Now, you've got to have
front half of donkey,

781
00:49:33,079 --> 00:49:35,969
back half of donkey, shepherds...

782
00:49:36,004 --> 00:49:38,977
I was a mouse once in a school
Nativity play. Explain that.

783
00:49:39,012 --> 00:49:43,076
A mouse? Well, because they wanted
something unbelievably small.

784
00:49:43,111 --> 00:49:46,056
I remember, I had a cardboard
mouse-head costume.

785
00:49:46,091 --> 00:49:48,053
I was the front of the donkey.

786
00:49:48,088 --> 00:49:52,036
I took the costume off halfway
through, so people could see it was me.

787
00:49:52,071 --> 00:49:54,016
Nobody could tell the difference!

788
00:49:56,016 --> 00:49:59,076
I suppose you were the infant King,
were you? I was a shepherd,

789
00:49:59,111 --> 00:50:01,048
cos I had a dressing gown.

790
00:50:12,040 --> 00:50:17,024
The next morning, the sun rose to
the sound of the BMW dawn chorus.

791
00:50:18,036 --> 00:50:20,969
"Armed. Disarmed. "

792
00:50:21,004 --> 00:50:25,048
ENGINE CHOKES THEN ROARS

793
00:50:27,068 --> 00:50:30,072
Oh, my God. It sounds
like a diesel locomotive.

794
00:50:30,107 --> 00:50:31,049
It's going.

795
00:50:31,084 --> 00:50:36,032
I don't think the desert's doing your
Afrika Korps car any good at all.

796
00:50:39,096 --> 00:50:41,025
Despite the modifications,

797
00:50:41,060 --> 00:50:45,012
our little sports cars were
even less suitable here

798
00:50:45,047 --> 00:50:47,048
than they had been
in the war zones.

799
00:50:48,076 --> 00:50:50,989
Ah! Ohh... Ahhh...

800
00:50:51,024 --> 00:50:52,981
Oh! Oh, this is not good.

801
00:50:53,016 --> 00:50:57,016
"Can you not hear stones ripping the
undertray of your car to pieces?"

802
00:50:58,084 --> 00:51:01,020
Oh!

803
00:51:03,036 --> 00:51:05,044
This is so bad!

804
00:51:05,079 --> 00:51:06,977
I'm stuck.

805
00:51:07,012 --> 00:51:08,092
It's like water.

806
00:51:16,008 --> 00:51:17,064
Here we go.

807
00:51:17,099 --> 00:51:19,057
Ohhh.

808
00:51:19,092 --> 00:51:21,564
WHEELSPIN Go.

809
00:51:21,599 --> 00:51:24,036
Watch it! Sorry!

810
00:51:26,020 --> 00:51:28,049
Go, go, go!

811
00:51:28,084 --> 00:51:31,012
I've been bitten.
My arm's swollen up.

812
00:51:31,047 --> 00:51:32,092
I've got one on my back, here.

813
00:51:32,127 --> 00:51:34,993
Ahh! Ow!

814
00:51:35,028 --> 00:51:37,029
'We were taking a battering.

815
00:51:37,064 --> 00:51:41,072
'And things were about
to get a lot worse. '

816
00:51:41,107 --> 00:51:44,044
Snatch from there.

817
00:51:47,036 --> 00:51:48,033
And turn.

818
00:51:48,068 --> 00:51:50,041
I've dug a big hole.

819
00:51:50,076 --> 00:51:54,025
All right, stop. Stop. Stop.

820
00:51:54,060 --> 00:51:58,044
Just pull him at a slight angle, we'll
tip him on to his wheels better.

821
00:51:58,079 --> 00:52:00,049
Right, go that way.

822
00:52:00,084 --> 00:52:02,020
OK. Go, go, go, go, go.

823
00:52:02,088 --> 00:52:04,017
THUD

824
00:52:04,052 --> 00:52:06,016
Stop, stop. Stop, stop!

825
00:52:15,024 --> 00:52:18,036
You all right, James?
How are you feeling? Sick.

826
00:52:18,071 --> 00:52:20,084
Do you want to sit up?

827
00:52:27,072 --> 00:52:30,076
Where are we?
In the desert in Syria.

828
00:52:30,111 --> 00:52:33,036
Do you know where we're going?

829
00:52:41,052 --> 00:52:46,012
'Plainly, James was in a bad
way, so he was taken to hospital,

830
00:52:46,047 --> 00:52:49,036
'leaving Hammond and I
to carry on alone. '

831
00:52:53,036 --> 00:52:56,000
The next day, the mood was gloomy.

832
00:52:59,004 --> 00:53:00,068
Oh!

833
00:53:02,020 --> 00:53:06,036
I don't think we can deny it, the
desert has taken its toll on our team.

834
00:53:06,071 --> 00:53:08,061
One man down,

835
00:53:08,096 --> 00:53:12,040
Jeremy's been bitten by something
and his arm's rotting off.

836
00:53:15,040 --> 00:53:16,088
It's a beating.

837
00:53:18,052 --> 00:53:21,033
Soon, though, news reached
us that James was recovering,

838
00:53:21,068 --> 00:53:27,076
and then in the middle of nowhere,
we came across something amazing.

839
00:53:44,096 --> 00:53:46,061
Hammond? Yep?

840
00:53:46,096 --> 00:53:49,060
You know what that is, don't you?

841
00:53:49,095 --> 00:53:51,041
It's a road. And it is real.

842
00:53:51,076 --> 00:53:54,049
It is a road. Look how smooth it is.
There's no rocks.

843
00:53:54,084 --> 00:53:59,016
It's smooth and there are no scorpions
in it. Hang on, hang on...

844
00:53:59,051 --> 00:54:01,080
You're forgetting we're
in the desert to sneak.

845
00:54:01,115 --> 00:54:04,012
We go on the road,
people will see us.

846
00:54:04,047 --> 00:54:06,048
We can't use it. We can't use it.

847
00:54:06,083 --> 00:54:07,989
What if...

848
00:54:08,024 --> 00:54:13,008
we go on the road and disguise
ourselves in the cars?

849
00:54:14,072 --> 00:54:15,096
That's brilliant.

850
00:54:18,052 --> 00:54:23,064
So, we put our plan into action and
went to pick James up from hospital.

851
00:54:28,056 --> 00:54:30,092
What are you two wearing?

852
00:54:33,080 --> 00:54:35,981
Where's yours? Very funny.

853
00:54:36,016 --> 00:54:37,977
Have you left it in there?
I'm better.

854
00:54:38,012 --> 00:54:41,008
It's only a small bang on
the head, and I'm mended.

855
00:54:41,043 --> 00:54:42,045
A small cut, that's it.

856
00:54:42,080 --> 00:54:46,060
You really are better?
Completely. Who am I?

857
00:54:46,095 --> 00:54:47,989
You're a big cock.

858
00:54:48,024 --> 00:54:49,965
Who am I? Irritating little sod.

859
00:54:50,000 --> 00:54:51,985
He's better.
He is better, isn't he?

860
00:54:52,020 --> 00:54:55,037
Anyway, we've got a cunning new plan.
The desert wasn't working.

861
00:54:55,072 --> 00:55:00,020
And? So we've decided we going to
carry on with our route in disguise.

862
00:55:00,055 --> 00:55:01,048
It's us.

863
00:55:08,036 --> 00:55:14,024
Tonight on Carry On Are You Being
It Ain't Half Dad's Army's Mother...

864
00:55:14,059 --> 00:55:16,057
See, nothing to see.

865
00:55:16,092 --> 00:55:18,550
Just a girl driving an unusual car.

866
00:55:18,585 --> 00:55:21,008
Who's going to look twice at that?

867
00:55:23,048 --> 00:55:25,969
We were now on the road to Damascus

868
00:55:26,004 --> 00:55:29,072
and the new-found speed
was causing problems.

869
00:55:31,048 --> 00:55:35,012
I've got quite bad wobble
from the six wheels here.

870
00:55:35,047 --> 00:55:37,064
It's getting quite bad!

871
00:55:39,012 --> 00:55:41,005
Hammond, how's your
tent taking the strain?

872
00:55:41,040 --> 00:55:45,072
I'm not sure Bedouin tents
are made to do 60-80kph.

873
00:55:46,068 --> 00:55:51,048
'We decided to press on, but then,
Jeremy's car decided otherwise. '

874
00:55:51,083 --> 00:55:53,063
My engine's gone.

875
00:55:53,098 --> 00:55:55,044
The engine... Oh, no!

876
00:55:57,020 --> 00:56:01,048
'At the roadside, Hammond
dismantled his tent,

877
00:56:01,083 --> 00:56:04,045
'Jeremy removed his
stupid extra wheels,

878
00:56:04,080 --> 00:56:07,008
'and then we all gathered
round his engine. '

879
00:56:07,043 --> 00:56:08,989
The spark plug has blown out again.

880
00:56:09,024 --> 00:56:12,036
'This time, though, the
problem was more serious. '

881
00:56:12,071 --> 00:56:14,008
Give it a rev.

882
00:56:16,076 --> 00:56:19,004
It's come out again.

883
00:56:20,056 --> 00:56:24,084
I tell you exactly what's happened,
the engine has changed its mind.

884
00:56:24,119 --> 00:56:26,017
On the road to Damascus,

885
00:56:26,052 --> 00:56:29,028
it's decided it wants to
be a three-cylinder engine.

886
00:56:30,024 --> 00:56:32,088
'Unable to fix it, we moved on. '

887
00:56:38,080 --> 00:56:41,072
This is my world now.

888
00:56:44,036 --> 00:56:48,036
'And soon, I was left far behind.
But then... '

889
00:56:48,071 --> 00:56:50,056
Hang on, what's that?

890
00:56:50,091 --> 00:56:53,020
Oh, God, no, no!

891
00:56:56,056 --> 00:57:00,028
'.. the Fiat's tyre had changed
its mind about having air in it. '

892
00:57:00,063 --> 00:57:01,096
Bugger!

893
00:57:04,008 --> 00:57:05,001
Oh, no!

894
00:57:05,036 --> 00:57:08,028
Space saver. Oh, God!

895
00:57:08,063 --> 00:57:10,547
TRUCK HORN BLARES

896
00:57:10,582 --> 00:57:13,032
Right up me burka!

897
00:57:14,060 --> 00:57:16,012
That'll do it.

898
00:57:22,064 --> 00:57:26,012
'The puncture allowed
Jeremy to catch up

899
00:57:26,047 --> 00:57:29,008
'and soon, we arrived
in Damascus. '

900
00:57:30,020 --> 00:57:32,973
7,000 years, this city's been here.

901
00:57:33,008 --> 00:57:37,000
It's amazing to arrive at such
a place and just blend in.

902
00:57:37,084 --> 00:57:41,048
It wasn't the smoothest journey
to Damascus, if I'm honest.

903
00:57:43,008 --> 00:57:45,528
Still, look on the bright side,

904
00:57:45,563 --> 00:57:48,048
I think we have made it unnoticed.

905
00:57:50,032 --> 00:57:53,057
Hundreds of miles of
desert crossed anonymously

906
00:57:53,092 --> 00:57:57,058
and we're at the hotel.
All we have to do is hide the cars.

907
00:57:57,093 --> 00:58:01,024
We have done it. We've made...
Oh, God, no, look, Hammond!

908
00:58:01,059 --> 00:58:03,092
"Above you. " Oh, God!

909
00:58:06,016 --> 00:58:08,048
We haven't done that,
have we? Hello.

910
00:58:08,083 --> 00:58:10,049
Hello.

911
00:58:10,084 --> 00:58:14,048
I've appeared on television
in drag for nothing.

912
00:58:16,016 --> 00:58:20,064
We, therefore, abandoned our
disguises and went to the souk

913
00:58:20,099 --> 00:58:23,072
to buy gold,
frankincense and myrrh.

914
00:58:23,107 --> 00:58:25,981
Earrings...

915
00:58:26,016 --> 00:58:29,008
I don't think earrings are right.

916
00:58:31,012 --> 00:58:33,012
Do you know what myrrh is?

917
00:58:33,047 --> 00:58:34,977
Myrrh? Myrrh.

918
00:58:35,012 --> 00:58:37,040
Gold, frankincense and myrrh.

919
00:58:37,075 --> 00:58:39,067
No. I don't know either.

920
00:58:39,102 --> 00:58:41,083
Do you have frankincense?

921
00:58:41,118 --> 00:58:43,064
Frankise...? Frankincense.

922
00:58:43,099 --> 00:58:45,056
No. OK.

923
00:58:47,012 --> 00:58:48,977
Ah, have you got myrrh on it?

924
00:58:49,012 --> 00:58:53,092
No, you've got Calvin Klein,
Hugo Boss, but no myrrh.

925
00:58:55,088 --> 00:58:57,057
Quite expensive.

926
00:58:57,092 --> 00:59:00,088
I've finally seen a
present for Jeremy.

927
00:59:00,123 --> 00:59:02,092
Oil of tact.

928
00:59:04,060 --> 00:59:09,016
'Shopping over, we met up at a
restaurant that specialised in lamb,

929
00:59:09,051 --> 00:59:13,060
'which meant that, for once,
Captain Faddy was happy. '

930
00:59:13,095 --> 00:59:15,583
Have they got chops? I like chops.

931
00:59:15,618 --> 00:59:18,072
'As it happened, they hadn't. '

932
00:59:20,076 --> 00:59:23,072
Lambs' heads. We've worked
out the head, brain...

933
00:59:23,107 --> 00:59:25,029
I'm in a horror film.

934
00:59:25,064 --> 00:59:28,578
These deeply impressive
things are testicles.

935
00:59:28,613 --> 00:59:32,092
I don't want testicles!
Have you had the brain?

936
00:59:32,127 --> 00:59:35,040
No, I'll have a bit.
It's absolutely lovely.

937
00:59:35,075 --> 00:59:37,009
Hammond, since you're not eating,

938
00:59:37,044 --> 00:59:40,068
why don't you show us what
you bought for baby Jesus.

939
00:59:40,103 --> 00:59:42,024
Yes, I can do that.

940
00:59:44,040 --> 00:59:46,024
I have bought...

941
00:59:47,024 --> 00:59:51,028
.. a golden relief of his own face.

942
00:59:51,063 --> 00:59:53,061
Wow!

943
00:59:53,096 --> 00:59:57,080
So he will know what he's going
to look like. A golden relief?

944
00:59:57,115 --> 00:59:59,001
Of the face of Jesus.

945
00:59:59,036 --> 01:00:03,064
Well done, Hammond.
Well done. Now, May... Yes?

946
01:00:03,099 --> 01:00:06,567
Frankincense? Yes, I have.

947
01:00:06,602 --> 01:00:10,301
Mary Magdalena, frankincense,

948
01:00:10,336 --> 01:00:13,965
100 % pure from the Holy Land.

949
01:00:14,000 --> 01:00:17,014
No doubting its credentials.
Mate, that's just hotel shampoo.

950
01:00:17,049 --> 01:00:20,028
You took that from your hotel bathroom.
It's a sealed box.

951
01:00:20,063 --> 01:00:21,989
This is from the Holy Land. Myrrh?

952
01:00:22,024 --> 01:00:27,052
I had a bit of problem with myrrh.
Nobody, nobody knows what it is.

953
01:00:27,087 --> 01:00:29,048
So I used my imagination.

954
01:00:31,056 --> 01:00:34,045
Nintendo DS.

955
01:00:34,080 --> 01:00:37,005
You bought a Nintendo DS?
Yes, I did.

956
01:00:37,040 --> 01:00:40,088
A gold model of his own
face and some shampoo.

957
01:00:40,123 --> 01:00:42,965
It's not shampoo. It IS shampoo.

958
01:00:43,000 --> 01:00:45,046
It isn't. It says quite
clearly on the box.

959
01:00:45,081 --> 01:00:47,092
Listen, we'll give it
to the Virgin Mary.

960
01:00:47,127 --> 01:00:50,037
When she goes, "Ooh, frankincense!"

961
01:00:50,072 --> 01:00:53,088
Before she gets it out and says, "
No, you cheapskate," I'll go...

962
01:00:53,123 --> 01:00:56,016
Look at that!

963
01:00:59,040 --> 01:01:03,020
'The next morning, we left
early to avoid being spotted. '

964
01:01:05,044 --> 01:01:09,008
Sad to be leaving what has
gone straight in at number five

965
01:01:09,043 --> 01:01:13,000
in the list of all-time
great cities, Damascus.

966
01:01:15,048 --> 01:01:19,056
As you can hear, I've mended
the engine well. I mended it.

967
01:01:19,091 --> 01:01:23,064
It wasn't an Armenian in a shed
working into the small hours.

968
01:01:26,024 --> 01:01:30,064
'Travelling south, we eventually
reached yet another border. '

969
01:01:32,032 --> 01:01:34,981
Hello. What is this? My hat?

970
01:01:35,016 --> 01:01:36,973
It's not in the right style.
Welcome.

971
01:01:37,008 --> 01:01:39,965
Thank you very much. Welcome.
Thank you very much.

972
01:01:40,000 --> 01:01:46,004
Right, I'm now driving my car of
many colours, and many cylinders,

973
01:01:46,039 --> 01:01:47,057
out of Syria

974
01:01:47,092 --> 01:01:52,060
and into Jordan, a country famous
for not having Bethlehem in it.

975
01:01:54,032 --> 01:01:56,037
Right, Jordan.

976
01:01:56,072 --> 01:01:59,072
Recent history, this is
where Lawrence of Arabia

977
01:01:59,107 --> 01:02:02,037
assembled his Arab raiding
parties under Faisal.

978
01:02:02,072 --> 01:02:06,060
Do you think that we are now
finally deep inside Jordan?

979
01:02:06,095 --> 01:02:08,033
LAUGHS

980
01:02:08,068 --> 01:02:12,080
I like the way I was
interrupted by the smut

981
01:02:12,115 --> 01:02:15,000
from my colleagues there.

982
01:02:17,068 --> 01:02:20,052
As we pushed even
deeper into Jordan,

983
01:02:20,087 --> 01:02:23,036
we came across
something else amazing.

984
01:02:23,071 --> 01:02:26,096
DRAMATIC, EPIC MUSIC

985
01:02:38,072 --> 01:02:41,060
Well, clearly... It's a race track.

986
01:02:41,095 --> 01:02:44,048
.. It's an oval.
It's an oval, yeah.

987
01:02:44,083 --> 01:02:45,985
It's NASCAR, is what it is.

988
01:02:46,020 --> 01:02:49,005
The origins of.
How did the Romans know?

989
01:02:49,040 --> 01:02:53,052
That is foresight. They are talked
of as being advanced. They were.

990
01:02:53,087 --> 01:02:55,056
You know what I'm thinking, chaps.

991
01:02:55,091 --> 01:02:57,012
Let me guess? I think I do.

992
01:03:00,048 --> 01:03:02,012
Here we go, Roman rallying.

993
01:03:03,036 --> 01:03:06,068
Pretty sure we're allowed to do
this, I can't imagine they'd...

994
01:03:06,103 --> 01:03:07,092
Why would they mind?

995
01:03:08,080 --> 01:03:12,066
This was a place of
entertainment, wasn't it, surely?

996
01:03:12,101 --> 01:03:16,052
I'm in the Old Testament in
an MX-5 as we go into second.

997
01:03:16,087 --> 01:03:19,049
Power-sliding through Leviticus.

998
01:03:19,084 --> 01:03:24,036
Automatic is not good for
classical car chariot racing.

999
01:03:24,071 --> 01:03:26,053
Hammond weaving about.

1000
01:03:26,088 --> 01:03:28,592
Oh, he's trying to
fill me up with sand!

1001
01:03:28,627 --> 01:03:31,096
Exhibition piece of
driving from Hammond

1002
01:03:31,131 --> 01:03:33,057
in the front-wheel drive Barchetta.

1003
01:03:33,092 --> 01:03:38,056
Now onto the main straight, into
third and into Deuteronomy bend.

1004
01:03:38,091 --> 01:03:41,092
'Old Testament NASCAR was
the best motor sport ever,

1005
01:03:41,127 --> 01:03:44,068
'apart from one small problem. '

1006
01:03:46,016 --> 01:03:48,997
Oh, that's a lot of dust come in.

1007
01:03:49,032 --> 01:03:52,040
I can't see a bloody
thing back here.

1008
01:03:57,028 --> 01:03:58,049
Sorry!

1009
01:03:58,084 --> 01:04:01,028
Bit blind here, racing in fog.

1010
01:04:03,036 --> 01:04:04,052
THUD

1011
01:04:05,016 --> 01:04:07,072
My helmet. Hold on, I
can't see anything.

1012
01:04:07,107 --> 01:04:10,033
Somebody is going to see this dust

1013
01:04:10,068 --> 01:04:14,056
and then they're going to come and
then there'll be anger and rage.

1014
01:04:15,084 --> 01:04:17,032
Can't see at all now.

1015
01:04:18,052 --> 01:04:22,001
Before we smashed a
2,000-year-old Roman pillar,

1016
01:04:22,036 --> 01:04:26,004
we decided to agree that
Hammond's Fiat was the fastest

1017
01:04:26,039 --> 01:04:28,047
and call it a day.

1018
01:04:28,082 --> 01:04:30,021
Absolutely tremendous!

1019
01:04:30,056 --> 01:04:32,564
That's the best history
lesson I've ever had!

1020
01:04:32,599 --> 01:04:35,313
I think I know why your
car was the fastest.

1021
01:04:35,348 --> 01:04:38,028
Why? Do you want to step out?
Here, allow me.

1022
01:04:38,063 --> 01:04:39,993
Tyres. What? Tyres?

1023
01:04:40,028 --> 01:04:44,052
No, it's very light, much
lighter than it was on lap two.

1024
01:04:46,052 --> 01:04:47,993
My arse!

1025
01:04:48,028 --> 01:04:51,005
I've lost an entire
buttock... You have.

1026
01:04:51,040 --> 01:04:54,056
.. of my beautiful pert
little bottom on this car.

1027
01:04:57,056 --> 01:05:00,989
Hammond didn't just
break his own car,

1028
01:05:01,024 --> 01:05:05,072
look what he's done to my spotlights!
They've gone, gone!

1029
01:05:06,092 --> 01:05:11,076
'Still, at least the Hippodrome race had
prepared us for Jordanian traffic. '

1030
01:05:11,111 --> 01:05:15,040
You know what's good about this
slightly chaotic driving style

1031
01:05:15,075 --> 01:05:18,020
is that it works because
everybody does it.

1032
01:05:18,055 --> 01:05:21,020
Look at that!
Jesus, that was close!

1033
01:05:24,080 --> 01:05:28,088
We headed west and soon we arrived
at the final border crossing...

1034
01:05:30,028 --> 01:05:33,040
Israel, the one we'd been dreading.

1035
01:05:34,052 --> 01:05:38,004
This is it, the Hussein
Bridge over the Jordan River.

1036
01:05:38,039 --> 01:05:40,092
We're leaving Jordan
on the dirty passport.

1037
01:05:40,127 --> 01:05:42,597
Switching now,

1038
01:05:42,632 --> 01:05:44,862
clean passport.

1039
01:05:44,897 --> 01:05:47,057
Arriving in Israel.

1040
01:05:47,092 --> 01:05:49,556
The man with the
mirror on the stick.

1041
01:05:49,591 --> 01:05:51,985
The checks were long and thorough,

1042
01:05:52,020 --> 01:05:57,040
but it seemed we'd got away with our
trip through Syria and we were in!

1043
01:06:00,072 --> 01:06:03,045
Yes! We're on the way to Bethlehem.

1044
01:06:03,080 --> 01:06:07,024
Hang on, little fella, we're
coming, three wise men with gifts.

1045
01:06:08,036 --> 01:06:10,037
Sadly, though, for
political reasons,

1046
01:06:10,072 --> 01:06:13,037
we'd been advised to avoid
the disputed West Bank

1047
01:06:13,072 --> 01:06:17,084
so we were now going in completely
the wrong direction yet again...

1048
01:06:18,068 --> 01:06:21,005
.. and I decided to
make the most of it.

1049
01:06:21,040 --> 01:06:24,096
I hope the other two don't mind,
but I fancy a small deviation

1050
01:06:24,131 --> 01:06:27,103
to go and have a look
at the Sea of Galilee.

1051
01:06:27,138 --> 01:06:30,111
'This was a good call
because getting there

1052
01:06:30,146 --> 01:06:33,084
'meant driving through
the Golan Heights. '

1053
01:06:38,020 --> 01:06:39,061
Look at that!

1054
01:06:39,096 --> 01:06:41,092
What a stretch of road!

1055
01:06:42,088 --> 01:06:46,080
This is an outrage.
This is just astonishing, this road.

1056
01:06:46,115 --> 01:06:49,028
I want to marry it
and have its babies.

1057
01:06:50,080 --> 01:06:55,088
'As with everywhere on this journey,
though, there was a catch. '

1058
01:06:55,123 --> 01:07:00,000
If you crash off the road
here you go into a minefield.

1059
01:07:00,035 --> 01:07:01,025
Literally, a minefield

1060
01:07:01,060 --> 01:07:05,072
because, for political reasons,
this was Syria and now it's Israel.

1061
01:07:07,040 --> 01:07:10,004
'But even politics couldn't
spoil this moment. '

1062
01:07:10,039 --> 01:07:12,068
There you go.
Thank you, little car!

1063
01:07:14,080 --> 01:07:16,548
I'm going to make an admission.

1064
01:07:16,583 --> 01:07:19,016
Hammond's car is properly quick.

1065
01:07:23,064 --> 01:07:26,021
Come on, car, just go!

1066
01:07:26,056 --> 01:07:30,000
I'd like to take a bloody Israeli
tank shell to this gearbox.

1067
01:07:30,035 --> 01:07:32,541
What an evening.

1068
01:07:32,576 --> 01:07:35,048
What an evening!

1069
01:07:37,088 --> 01:07:40,096
'And then it got even better. '

1070
01:07:42,032 --> 01:07:44,028
Holy Mother of Mary.

1071
01:07:44,063 --> 01:07:45,989
Aw, look at that!

1072
01:07:46,024 --> 01:07:47,977
That's the Sea of Galilee.

1073
01:07:48,012 --> 01:07:50,088
That's one of the most beautiful
things I have ever seen.

1074
01:07:55,008 --> 01:07:59,016
Why is the Sea of Galilee, of all the
sort of biblical sites referenced,

1075
01:07:59,051 --> 01:08:00,981
the one that makes you feel most...

1076
01:08:01,016 --> 01:08:07,008
It's the most evocative? Well, it's
me, because I'm, you know, JC.

1077
01:08:07,043 --> 01:08:08,052
No, you're Jeremy Clarkson.

1078
01:08:12,028 --> 01:08:14,520
You are healed. I have healed you.

1079
01:08:14,555 --> 01:08:16,977
You've taken the
bandage off. Ready?

1080
01:08:17,012 --> 01:08:21,064
And the thorn what hath pricked
his arm... No evidence.

1081
01:08:21,099 --> 01:08:23,041
It got better of its own...

1082
01:08:23,076 --> 01:08:26,000
That's what happens!
It was days ago!

1083
01:08:27,004 --> 01:08:28,017
GASPS

1084
01:08:28,052 --> 01:08:31,060
I only had one sweet in this
bag and now there are many.

1085
01:08:31,095 --> 01:08:34,000
No, it was a bag full of sweets.

1086
01:08:39,012 --> 01:08:41,532
The next morning, on
the shores of Galilee,

1087
01:08:41,567 --> 01:08:44,017
we had a moment of
quiet contemplation.

1088
01:08:44,052 --> 01:08:49,024
".. we still had enough food
left over to fill 12 baskets. "

1089
01:08:49,059 --> 01:08:52,016
And then, the
still-delusional Jeremy

1090
01:08:52,051 --> 01:08:54,028
offered to cook yet another meal.

1091
01:08:54,063 --> 01:08:56,021
There's only two fish.

1092
01:08:56,056 --> 01:08:59,048
I don't like fish. Well, there
you are, I've solved it.

1093
01:08:59,083 --> 01:09:02,016
It's a miracle.
That is a miracle. Hardly!

1094
01:09:02,051 --> 01:09:04,020
We've got enough fish to go round.

1095
01:09:06,088 --> 01:09:08,544
I am walking on water now.

1096
01:09:08,579 --> 01:09:10,317
You're standing on it.

1097
01:09:10,352 --> 01:09:12,056
Walk over there. Yeah.

1098
01:09:16,096 --> 01:09:20,036
Miraculous that, mate.
I've invented swimming! Oh, God.

1099
01:09:20,071 --> 01:09:21,985
What do you think of that?

1100
01:09:22,020 --> 01:09:27,008
'Before Jeremy decided to part
the waters, we moved on. '

1101
01:09:29,068 --> 01:09:31,554
I feel awful.

1102
01:09:31,589 --> 01:09:34,005
Unfortunately,

1103
01:09:34,040 --> 01:09:38,048
it wasn't an angel that
came to me in the night,

1104
01:09:38,083 --> 01:09:40,048
it was the trots. Bad.

1105
01:09:43,092 --> 01:09:46,072
We were now just 20
miles from Bethlehem,

1106
01:09:46,107 --> 01:09:48,033
and what a journey we'd had

1107
01:09:48,068 --> 01:09:52,028
through a region that's
made history for 7,000 years

1108
01:09:52,063 --> 01:09:55,080
and continues to make
front-page news today.

1109
01:09:57,032 --> 01:10:01,020
Unlike the original wise men,
we'd had to take huge detours

1110
01:10:01,055 --> 01:10:05,076
around the political
minefields, and the real ones.

1111
01:10:05,111 --> 01:10:07,045
And yet somehow we'd made it,

1112
01:10:07,080 --> 01:10:11,064
in cars that really weren't
built for this kind of work.

1113
01:10:14,060 --> 01:10:16,041
There must have been
people who thought,

1114
01:10:16,076 --> 01:10:20,068
they're idiots setting out across
the Middle East and its deserts

1115
01:10:20,103 --> 01:10:24,060
in sports cars, but here we are
at the end and I'm still in one.

1116
01:10:26,056 --> 01:10:29,044
I can't think of anything I'd
rather have done this journey in

1117
01:10:29,079 --> 01:10:32,025
than a small open-top sports car,

1118
01:10:32,060 --> 01:10:35,008
because what cars
like this give you,

1119
01:10:35,043 --> 01:10:36,973
for a relatively small outlay,

1120
01:10:37,008 --> 01:10:42,084
is access to 93 million
miles of blue sky.

1121
01:10:44,036 --> 01:10:45,993
You can't really put
a price on that.

1122
01:10:46,028 --> 01:10:50,024
This little Fiat has been, it's fair
to say, the surprise of the trip,

1123
01:10:50,059 --> 01:10:54,020
because nobody expected it to finish.
Come on, a small Italian sports car?

1124
01:10:54,055 --> 01:10:55,045
There have been problems.

1125
01:10:55,080 --> 01:10:58,092
One of its buttocks fell off.
Jeremy did that.

1126
01:10:58,127 --> 01:11:00,981
The radiator fell off. I did that.

1127
01:11:01,016 --> 01:11:04,016
And there's a terrible smell
in here, I definitely did that.

1128
01:11:04,051 --> 01:11:06,005
But it's survived them.

1129
01:11:06,040 --> 01:11:09,048
It's still here and it's
still making me grin.

1130
01:11:10,096 --> 01:11:12,028
Thank you, little mate.

1131
01:11:13,032 --> 01:11:15,040
Well, this is it, Jerusalem.

1132
01:11:16,064 --> 01:11:18,013
Nothing can go wrong now.

1133
01:11:18,048 --> 01:11:20,096
Overtaking manoeuvre coming up.

1134
01:11:22,008 --> 01:11:24,532
SMASHING

1135
01:11:24,567 --> 01:11:27,021
GUFFAWS

1136
01:11:27,056 --> 01:11:30,020
My Hubble pipe! Oh BEEP!

1137
01:11:33,060 --> 01:11:35,049
Before James could
do any more damage,

1138
01:11:35,084 --> 01:11:38,590
we pulled over in a car
park on the Mount of Olives

1139
01:11:38,625 --> 01:11:42,096
so we could decide which
of our cars was the best.

1140
01:11:44,076 --> 01:11:47,016
I would like to
speak first on this.

1141
01:11:47,051 --> 01:11:48,053
It's rubbish. What?

1142
01:11:48,088 --> 01:11:51,572
I'm sorry, there's a
place reserved in Hell

1143
01:11:51,607 --> 01:11:55,021
for the man who put that
gearbox in that car.

1144
01:11:55,056 --> 01:11:59,072
And it's the ratios. It's a case of
many are called, but few are chosen

1145
01:11:59,107 --> 01:12:01,981
and many who are first
shall be fourth,

1146
01:12:02,016 --> 01:12:05,036
and many who are third will
actually kick down into second.

1147
01:12:05,071 --> 01:12:06,025
It's hopeless!

1148
01:12:06,060 --> 01:12:09,084
So, can I just ask, which of our
two would you choose to have?

1149
01:12:09,119 --> 01:12:12,092
Which have you looked
at most covetously?

1150
01:12:12,127 --> 01:12:15,032
I covet my neighbour's Fiat.

1151
01:12:15,067 --> 01:12:16,965
Hee! Really? Good man.

1152
01:12:17,000 --> 01:12:18,049
Now, that's very interesting,

1153
01:12:18,084 --> 01:12:22,036
because the car of the three
that I would choose is the Fiat.

1154
01:12:22,071 --> 01:12:24,041
Eh? I make no bones about it.

1155
01:12:24,076 --> 01:12:27,008
I still maintain this is
a fantastic little car.

1156
01:12:27,043 --> 01:12:29,004
We all like the Mazda MX-5.
Great car.

1157
01:12:29,039 --> 01:12:30,021
I haven't bonded with it.

1158
01:12:30,056 --> 01:12:35,056
The steering is lovely, ride's lovely, but
the one thing you don't do is love it.

1159
01:12:35,091 --> 01:12:37,985
I never got up and thought,
I hope it's all right!

1160
01:12:38,020 --> 01:12:41,068
So, at the end of this trip this is
still a machine to you. A laptop.

1161
01:12:41,103 --> 01:12:45,057
So, we're all agreed, and the
Italian car is the most reliable.

1162
01:12:45,092 --> 01:12:49,056
Yes. But we have got to get all
these thoughts out of our heads now.

1163
01:12:49,091 --> 01:12:51,001
We must complete the programme.

1164
01:12:51,036 --> 01:12:54,056
Car enthusiasts, turn off now.
We've just got to finish this journey.

1165
01:12:54,091 --> 01:12:57,048
We must complete the
mission. We must.

1166
01:13:05,052 --> 01:13:08,033
Soon we arrived in Bethlehem,

1167
01:13:08,068 --> 01:13:11,092
and it felt good to be at
the font of peace on earth

1168
01:13:11,127 --> 01:13:15,012
and goodwill to all men.

1169
01:13:31,036 --> 01:13:36,072
As darkness descended, we saw a
mysterious light in the night sky

1170
01:13:36,107 --> 01:13:38,088
and decided to follow it.

1171
01:13:48,092 --> 01:13:51,032
This must be the place.

1172
01:13:54,084 --> 01:13:56,993
So, here we are,

1173
01:13:57,028 --> 01:14:02,036
a shaft of heavenly light indicating
that our quest is at an end.

1174
01:14:10,084 --> 01:14:12,072
This is it.

1175
01:14:19,060 --> 01:14:21,036
Evidence of shepherds.

1176
01:14:48,080 --> 01:14:51,012
I told you there was a mouse. Shh.

1177
01:14:56,016 --> 01:15:01,528
We're three wise men and we have
travelled far from the East with gifts.

1178
01:15:01,563 --> 01:15:07,040
Gold, shampoo - that was a bit of
a mistake - and an electronic toy.

1179
01:15:11,076 --> 01:15:14,096
Let us see this child who
has been born unto us.

1180
01:15:14,131 --> 01:15:16,036
Yes, let us. Yes.

1181
01:15:18,056 --> 01:15:19,064
GASPS

1182
01:15:20,064 --> 01:15:23,064
DRAMATIC MUSIC

1183
01:15:28,088 --> 01:15:30,080
I wasn't expecting that.

1184
01:15:37,012 --> 01:15:39,020
And on that bombshell,

1185
01:15:39,055 --> 01:15:40,993
it is time to end.

1186
01:15:41,028 --> 01:15:43,096
Thank you so much for
watching, goodnight.

1187
01:15:43,131 --> 01:15:46,040
♪ A ray of hope

1188
01:15:47,036 --> 01:15:50,080
♪ Flickers in the sky

1189
01:15:51,076 --> 01:15:54,060
♪ A tiny star

1190
01:15:55,024 --> 01:15:59,008
♪ Lights up way up high

1191
01:16:00,040 --> 01:16:03,042
♪ All across the land

1192
01:16:03,077 --> 01:16:06,552
♪ Dawns a brand-new morn

1193
01:16:06,587 --> 01:16:10,028
♪ This comes to pass...